Ahhh.. 24 weeks. Another milestone.

And don't mind the PJ's. It's a snow day, I have every right not to get dressed :)

So big milestone - viability day! Which means that if my babies were born right now (God forbid!), they have a more than 50% chance of survival. Which makes me happy :) Because every day from here on out they have more and more of a chance at making it in this world.. Of course my Dr and I want them to make it to at least 36 weeks... wait, 36 weeks? That's only 12 weeks from now! Here comes the panic...

But really, everything is just fine. I have no signs of labor whatsoever, and I have been feeling pretty decent for measuring at 34 weeks. So here's the rundown:

Crown to rump the babies are roughly the size of an eggplant and weigh just over 1 1/2 lbs. They move a lot right now.

I have discovered that the boy really likes the action/fight scenes from Sherlock Holmes and also like Monday Night Football. Josh and I were watching the Bears/Vikings game last night and he wouldn't stop wiggling and kicking until the game was over! Typical boy :)

The girl likes my ribs. She is a little harder to feel sometimes because of her placement, but seems to really enjoy it when I have my morning English Muffin with grape jam and decaf coffee or almond milk. They both LOVE orange juice!

As far as I go, I've been doing ok. Still have sciatic pain, still look like a turtle when I try to get out of bed. Oh wait, there is something new that I was dreading...

I have a couple of stretchmarks. on my ass. WTF?!

Actually it's more lower hip on my right side. and although I see them, Josh says he cannot and I am being paranoid. All I know is it looks a little different. But I will accept the 2 puny little lines that nobody will ever see. So far I have none on my belly, still smooth as butter and as white as milk. My belly button is almost completely flat which makes me believe it will pop out sometime. No problem, fine with me!!

As I mentioned today we had a surpeise snowstorm. Apparently these meteorologists whose job was to predict these things failed to see it coming. At first it was really cool....

Molly was trying to catch snowflakes on the patio...

Then it just didn't stop. This is the tree just outside around an hour or so after the snow started falling. Which started me worrying about how Josh was going to do getting home from work.

Then I got really concerned. These are the stairs outside my place covered in snow that I am glad I will not have to step out on.

THEN Josh called me 2 1/2 hours after he got off work. He can't get up one of the hills leading to our home. So he turned around and is staying at a friend's house. He says he is going to come home later, but since snow is still falling (as well as temperatures) I don't think he's making it home tonight.

This would have been an issue if I was more pregnant or if I was having complications. But it's all good. All I care about is his safety. If I have any issues that's what ambulances are for. And they have tire chains.

So it's just me and my doggies tonight. They are currently waiting for me to join them in snuggles on the couch...

Ok, time to chill....

Josh and I had a nice conversation about my worries. He is adamant on making sure that my and the babies needs (sanity) are met. I explained to him that I was worried that MIL would take offense over everything. I wanted him to understand that after us and the babies, my mom is next in line of importance. I can't do this without my mom. And I can't have anyone stay at the house, regardless of who they are. BUT if I decide that I do want someone (ie my mom) to stay overnight then it's my prerogative. To quote Bobby Brown. Or Britney Spears if you will. So he promised me he would take care of it. :)

I'm sitting now in a movie theater waiting for Sherlock Holmes to start. I love Robert Downey Jr. Ever since Less Than Zero. He's fantastic.

Yesterday Josh and I went to Hot Topic to but a t-shirt. I discovered they only carry baby stuff online now. Noooo! Anyway. I forgot I had a massive belly, bent down at the knees to pick something up, and lost my balance. Fell right on my ass. Didn't hurt myself, don't worry. Josh and I were joking that it wouldn't be the last time I embarrassed my kids!

I get my house back tomorrow. :) I get to re-reorganize my kitchen (its all out of order since visitors arrived). I get to have the upstairs room back to begin organizing baby stuff. I get to not have to worry about anyone but me, Josh, and the babies. We are all pretty self-sufficient.

Ok movie is about to start :)

Previous post update...

So I wanted to clear things up a bit about my previous post... my sister and I had a nice long convo via email and I think that it makes more sense of how I feel about the whole MIL situation. So here's some exerpts from said emails...

I think my rant was more along the line of her comment of staying "a while". She tends to overstay her welcome. I have never experienced someone like that before, mainly because the people who come visit I actually enjoy being around and aren't all judgy if I do something differently than they do. For instance, last night she was making dinner and wanted a scrubber for baked potatoes. First off, I always hand scrub potatoes because it's easier, or I peel them. Secondly, I don't eat the skin of baked potatoes. Thirdly, I hardly have them at all and when I do I buy organic. That goes for all of my fruits/veggies (which 99% of the time I peel). And scrubbers are full of bacteria. Ew. So I usually use a wash if I need to but ran out. She kinda got this judgy look and asked if I even eat vegetables. Because I don't have a damn scrubber?! And since when is a carb filled starchy root a veggie anyway?

(glad to make you laugh, cuz I know you are ;)

Anyway, it's not that I don't want her to be able to see the kids. I totally do. But it's hard for her to understand it's gotta be on my terms. With my family, we do things very similar. I don't feel overrun and out of my element my family members come to visit, and neither does Josh. I'm not on edge. And even though I have never had to tell any of my family to back off, I feel like I could without hurt feelings. With her I have to be careful what I say. She's proven this (not getting into that one...).

I totally get it's gonna be a transition. This has been something we have been planning for 10 years now. But at the same time Josh and I need to be able to get into our routine and I feel like with her I would be getting into her routine. It's different. I know she won't give us space. I feel like she would take over. Know what I mean? Plus Josh and I need bonding time. We want to get to know our kids and I just can't see that with her constantly in my grill telling me what I am doing wrong. I feel like my side of the family is all encouraging and understands. Josh's side has a lot of negativity and judgement and I don't think they quite understand how many children I've grown up around and how, even though I haven't ever been a mom, I have an understanding on how I want to be. And I can change diapers lol!

Like I said, I want them to visit. It's an exciting time. BUT I don't want them to practically move in...

My sis really put my mind at ease. She has faith that Josh and I will be great parents, and even though it will be hard, it will be worth it. It will be fun.

We just need to be firm....

*breathe*

Waiting for the other shoe...

So the in-laws are here.

*silent scream*

So far it's been ok, but I am waiting for the fireworks. MIL got a ton of stuff for the babies which is great. BUT she asked me about who's gonna be here when the babies are born. I told her my mom and my sisters and Josh is taking time off.

She then said when my family leaves she will come up and stay for "a while". Dear God, how long is "a while"? Josh and I do need time alone eventually. And it's completely different with my family. They know that when I need to be alone, I need to be alone and they are very cool about it. They are wonderful that way.

MIL on the other hand? Not so much. I can see her clamoring for baby attention and not leaving me and Josh alone.

I can easily feel stifled. I have always been a bit of a loner. I have always wanted to be by myself, figure it out on my own.

Joy.

22 Weeks :) And new pic!

I'm freaking out over how fast this is going!

Biggest update - Josh finally felt the babies move! He and I were sitting on the couch last night, I grabbed his hand and told him to keep it on my tummy and one of the babies kicked :) it was cool...

I can definitely tell they have grown a lot since last week. The kicks are getting stronger and more frequent. This morning I was lying in bed and they were really moving and turning! For a while the squirming they both did made me feel a little dodgy, like I ate something bad, but now it's completely different. Good different!

The Boy has found a lovely spot to stretch right between my hips. He actually hurts me when he stretches sometimes! He likes being low - during my sono last week he had turned and his head was right above my cervix. Not yet little man!

In other news my car broke down yesterday. Boo. It overheated so I filled it with fluids and now it has a loud tick. I was so upset I called Josh at work to tell him I was just going to wait for him to get me after work. It was only an hour so I just sat there and read. But when he called telling me he was on his way I started crying. Hard. I was a blubbering idiot over a stupid car. I just didn't like the feeling of being stranded, nor did I like the idea of not having a car. Josh said not to worry, we will go back today after the car had a chance to sit for a while and see what happens. We can either spend the money to have it fixed, buy a new car, or be a one car family for a little while. None of these options excite me... So I will update on what happens...

Ok time to try my hand at being productive today. Starting with wrapping presents ;)

Hello my baby, hello my darlin'...

The babies are now officially known as The Warner Brothers Frog(s)...

Why?

Because apparently they will only perform for me. Every time they start movin' and a-shakin' and I tell Josh to either feel them or just watch my belly jump...

...They stop!

I will be lying in bed, feel the kicks, and quickly uncover my belly and tell Josh "watch!" which turns to "keep watching, one of them is moving". Which turns to me saying "screw it and covering back up. And once I do, the kicks start up again.

Why babies, why??!?

Josh is convinced that they will be all animated and do amazing things like walk and talk at 4 months old, but when I say "watch!" they will just sit there and be completely stoic....



Come on babies! move for daddy too!

21 Weeks! (and a day)

Wow. 21 weeks already. Insane.

Updates: Babies are doing great, moving around like crazy! They move and kick the most at night, around 2am. I think they are just preparing me for what's to come :)

I had a dr appt today and the babies are about a pound each. A whole pound! They are in my uterus "bunk bed style". Now that I know that it's easier to tell who is who when I feel them. The Girl had the hiccups last night. Cute! As far as we can tell, this pregnancy is going as smooth as it can possibly go. I know that would be a different story if I was still working. Even my blood pressure has gone down :)

So far so good. I am feeling good except for sciatic pain and acid reflux, but that is so minor. We got our Christmas tree, I have yet to wrap presents, but I have sent out most of my cards. Josh's parents will be spending the holiday with us so I am mentally preparing for that.

I also got my glider rocker today :) I took a nap and when I woke up Josh had it all put together. And the cat was snuggled up on it already! You see why I haven't put the crib together yet?

I also registered with Target and Babies R Us :) so I am feeling a little better about preparations.

Yay babies :)

Will we ever be ready??

I think the fact that the babies are kicking have sent me into a bit of a frenzied tailspin. I know I still have time but I feel like I am so unprepared for these little ones. I bought a crib, deciding to wait on a second by the advice of other twin moms. Most twin moms I know have said that their babies slept in the same crib for months. BUT I have yet to buy the mattress. And the crib is still in the box, chillin in my entryway since I got it over a week ago. I am afraid to put it together for fear that my cat will take custody of it.

I did buy a glider too. I ordered it this week, it should be here by Christmas.

I really haven't gotten anything else besides the occasional article of clothing. I need to buy cloth diapers and diaper covers (way cheaper than disposables). As of right now I am unsure if I will use a diaper service.

I haven't purchased the twin pack-n-play I want. I haven't purchased a stroller, or carseats, changing table, etc. I haven't bought much of anything. Now that these babies are really making themselves known I am feeling the urgency of these needs.

I think part of me still had those horrible "what if" thoughts. We spent so much time and effort getting pregnant, it's still hard to believe we are. I still think it will all be taken away. I think I will wake up one day and it will all be a dream.

But then I feel the kicks I am feeling at this very moment. And I know it's my two beautiful children telling me it will all be ok.

But I still need to buy a lot of crap...

Movement

I am feeling movement very regularly now. It's pretty cool, not just feeling the twisty-turny-not-sure-but-it-might-be movement. Yesterday something super cool happened...

Chillin on my couch, watching tv, I felt The Boy kicking me on my right side. It was hard kicks too. So I lift my shirt to see my belly and then I saw it. My belly jumped. I didn't think I would actually be able to see it that soon... It went on for a while. I could feel The Girl kicking me on the left but it was too low for me to see due to my "belly horizon". It was insane...

The Boy is making himself known on the right. My belly button is officially no longer in the center..

Thanksgiving, 20 weeks, and a surprise visit

So instead of going down the list of things for this week, I decided to do a normal run-of-the-mill post. Just to tell you all about my weekend.

First things first. I got the surprise of all surprises on Thanskgiving - my beautiful sister Shelby came up from Sacramento to surprise me! Here we are, can you tell we are sisters?

If you can't tell, I am the one in the kicky hat. Shelby is the prettier, younger, and skinnier one of the two ;) I also neeed my bangs trimmed in a major way...

Anywho, we were up in Seattle when Josh disappeared, I fell asleep on the couch, and then I was woken up to my sister kneeling next to me telling me to wake up. It was a wonderful surprise :)

We left early the next morning back to Portland. Josh has to work, so Shelby and I went downtown. We went to Pioneer Place and within 1/2 hour we were ready to leave. It was crazy busy there. Why would I go to a mall on Black Friday when I have spent every BF for the last 18 years working in a mall or shopping center?

Plus my sciatica started annoying me. Just a side effect from the diagnosis of babies, I can't run around like I used to ;) I get pains in my left hip and my back when I am on my feet for a while.

So then we got some Chinese food and I introduced her to one of my favorite shows, Dexter. She may be hooked now. BTW, I have loved the name Dex long before the show...

We went back to Seattle Saturday morning, Shelby got a new tattoo (above) - now we both have sparrows on the front of our shoulder :) So does my brother... Josh got a little work done on his arm, just some shading...

We hung out with Josh's sister and her fam, then came back to Portland Sunday eve to watch the new episode of - you guessed it - Dexter. And it was awesome. She also got to feel the babies move and kick. They were super active all weekend. In fact, one of them is doing pushups or situps or maybe they are both in their own little mosh pit rockin out right now. Definitely quite active!

Sadly I had to take her back to to the airport this morning. I miss her already, but I know I will be seeing most of my family in a matter of months.

Tomorrow will mark the official halfway point in most pregnancies :) I can't believe it. 20 weeks. WOW. I am excited to be closer to meeting these little ones but at the same time I am trying to keep the days going by slowly so that I can enjoy and relish in this. Despite the pains, acid reflux, blah blah blah I am really, really enjoying being pregnant. I feel like the babies are moving a lot and I love that feeling. I also know this will most likely be the last and only pregnancy I have.

I have also come to the understanding that I need to ignore most of the "advice" I am getting about childrearing. I am really tired of the "right way" and "wrong way" to raise the kids. It's funny how much I have changed. I have really become a protector of my family and my personal life. I have always been sorta to myself and have done things my own way. But now I actually get upset and even offended when people tell me what I should and shouldn't do, that it's going to be so hard to do this, I am going to need so much help, etc etc. Basically when people start in on me about the negatives I want to crawl into a corner. I want to do that because I feel like those who tell me how hard it is don't have faith in me. It pisses me off.

Um YEAH. I'm not stupid. I know it will be a challenge. But I also know that the pros WAY outweigh the cons. I know that all kids are not alike. I know that I will make mistakes. I know that my kids will act up. But I also know that I will learn. They will learn.

Getting pregnant has been a challenge. Having surgeries, injecting myself countless times, timing our intimacy and having every month for 8 long years end in disappointment and pain hasn't been easy. But it has made me stronger. It's made me a fighter....

I am devoting my entire life to the two lives inside of me. I will NOT complain about my children. EVER. I will never let a day go by not telling them how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I want them to grow up in a loving, low-stress household. I will do anything and everything possible to make that happen...

I have been getting stressed out with family issues, as you can tell. Not my family, mind you. I have always felt that my family has dealt with our own issues in a positive way. If anyone gets pissed off at someone else, we deal with it and move on. We know that time is precious and to spend our lives upset, tense, and plain unhappy is just stupid. We know that nothing lasts forever.

One of Josh's favorite quotes is "This too shall pass". Good and bad, it will pass, so you'd better enjoy the good as long as you can and move on from the bad. Otherwise you end up alienating your family, friends, and you just spend your life miserable.

What kind of life is that?

19 Weeks!

How Far Along: 19 Weeks!

Weight Gained: Still only up 15 lbs as far as I know... maybe gained a pound

Measuring: Still about 44", however my uterus has grown upward, the fundus is right below my rib cage now...

Babies are the Size of: A large mango..

Cravings: Ahh, what don't I crave? Let's see, this week has been more fruit. And cinnamon.. and noodles...

Belly Button: Getting flatter! Josh looked at it the other day and said it looked "freaky" ;)

Stretch Marks: nope! so far so good!

Sleep: Again, eh... it's been ok, I have been napping a lot in the afternoons...

Genders: Still a boy and a girl :) And getting closer with names, although we aren't sure so we aren't gonna talk too much about it here (sorry!)

Labor Signs: None whatsoever :)

Worst Moment: The scaitica is a killer. It has migrated from my left hip to my inner thighs (?). Plus I have had acid reflux like mad! I had never really had it before. I woke up two days last week with a sore throat because of it. blech.

Best Moment: Feeling definite kicks!!! It's too cool for words! The Boy has migrated a bit further south and has set up camp right above my bladder. He kicks me really low in my abdomen. Last night he actually woke me up with 3 swift thuds :-) The Girl is up higher on my left side. She kicks these little dainty kicks and squirms a lot. I have been feeling her way more than The Boy, the week before it was the other way around...

What I Miss: Dairy products. I really want some yogurt.... Plus I tried making tomato soup with almond milk and it was kinda gross...

What I'm Looking Forward To: Lots of things! More kicks, my crib here tomorrow... Thanksgiving and lots of turkey!

Milestones: The biggest milestone would probably be feeling the kicks more and more. It's so reassuring that I can actually feel them moving around and I know they are doing just fine :)

So other than that I have been relaxing, making more etsy stuff, and spending time with Josh. I do get tired super easily, though - We went to run errands the other day and halfway through the grocery store I needed to go sit down because I was feeling faint. I just need to listen to my body and not overdo it! I'm telling ya, if I was still working I would be totally not helpful...

Hip hip, Hoor-OW!

I am getting an awesomely fun pain which I never thought of. My left hip is killing me...

I try to sleep on my left side because I heard that it give better blood flow to the babies. Or something like that. And anything I can do to keep my babies healthy and comfortable I will do in a heartbeat.

Apparently it is caused by the hormones relaxing and softening the joints and muscles so that the hips can widen for childbirth. I wish I could tell my body I'm having a c-section and to not waste time giving me child-bearing hips.

Also, I think I angered my hip by doing a little housework. I have a loft room upstairs which I am considering making the nursery that has four items in it - a chest of drawers, a dog kennel, a small storage ottoman, and a big screen tv. It would be a "real" room however the cable needs to be rewired to accommodate the tv. Or we need to sell the damn thing. So now it is the place the dogs hang out when we leave and can't take them with us. Hence the kennel. I don't know what to tell you about the ottoman....

Anyway, I went upstairs to vacuum, which required me to roll the tv into a corner. I also vacuumed the staircase. After I was finished I could barely walk on my hip. Cool....

On the upside of today, I got a notification that my crib will be delivered on Wednesday :) I also ordered these from babysteals.com:

For those of you who don't know what they are, they are called "Babylegs NoSox". They are like legwarmers/arm warmers for babies. the kiddos can grow into them too! Find out more at http://www.babylegs.com/. My favorites are the black pirate ones and the blue ones on the top row. they have apples on them :) I got a killer deal on them, too. All 10 pair for $49, normally $12 each! If you haven't gone to www.babysteals.com you need to. They put up a heavily discounted deal every morning at 8am PST sharp. They also have sister sites www.kidsteals.com and www.craftsteals.com.

I can't wait to put these on my babies!

18 weeks and a picture :)

Ok, here's a little update! And a photo!

How far Along: 18 weeks today :)

Weight Gained: As of my last appt (last week), I have gained approx 15 lbs since pre-baby. I thought it would be more...

Measuring: 44 inches. Keep in mind I wore a size 31 jeans pre-pregnancy. So those 15 lbs I mentioned? All in the belly ;)

Babies are the Size of a: Mango! Or a bell pepper! Approx 7 inches head to rump.

Cravings: This week has been fresh fruit and veggies, mainly apples, carrots, and watermelon. And pineapple :) And still a ton of water, but I have also thrown in almond milk, orange juice, and vitamin water...

Belly button: Still an innie!

Stretch Marks: Nope, not so far anyway!

Sleep: Same. not fantastic, not bad. I still take my naps every day. And whenever I am sleeping I have crazy dreams!

Genders: Boy and a girl!

Labor Signs: NONE! Whew! Since I left work I haven't had a one.... lots of ligament pain though!

Worst Moment: No bad moments last week! All good!

Best Moment: I pulled the trigger and finally got the babies their first big purchase - a crib! Now I need to buy the other one, mattresses, and bedding... I am trying to hold off a little bit more because I know my cat will want to take up residence once it's all made. My crib will be here by Friday!

What I Miss the Most: Still coffee... And my peeps at work.. But I don't miss work ;)

What I'm Looking Forward to: relaxing this holiday season and taking time to take care of myself, therefore take care of my babies. This is the first holiday season in around 18 years that I am not working....

Milestones: I am starting to feel the babies move not only when I am lying down. I'll be sitting on the couch and I can feel them kicking and moving around. Still not hard kicks, but they are definitely moving :)

So, progress! It's amazing how fast time is going by, yet how slow it is too. I am really enjoying my time being a "housewife" and I am getting more and more into it :)

I also want to give a very special CONGRATULATIONS to my dear internet friend Shell! She had a perfect baby boy on Nov 13th whom she named Benjamin! She was a long time TTCer like me and it's so wonderful to see her dream come true!

Twin sentiment :)

Thank you Katie for this!!

Two Times Blessed

Two little hands
Two little feet
As a new Mother she will greet

Hugs and kisses
she will have galore
For now her heart
will greet one more

Two little hands
Two little feet
Two little hearts make
a joyous beat

But as you can see,
I’ve been doubly blessed
For I will have two babies
to hold close to my chest

To those who may say,
you’ve got your hands ful
lI will reply
so calm and so cool....

Four little hands
Four little feet
Two little hearts
make my life complete!

“If you think our hands will be full…imagine our hearts.”

First day as a "Homemaker" (stop laughing)

So what did I do on my first day of not working?

Lemme see... I woke up at 8:30... had some toast, made hot chocolate (soo much cheaper AND better than my daily stop star.bucks...

Kissed Josh bye when he left for work... Then I decided to be miss domestic and I made bread. From scratch. and it was yummy:

It was a cinnamon bread recipe and oh so good... I usually make bread with my breadmaker, but this was my first normal loaf. Oh, and by "usually make bread" I mean "rarely make bread".

Tomorrow I am going to attempt pumpkin bread....

I also painted these totes:

I ordered the totes from ecobags dot com a while back. They are canvas/hemp and super cool. They are about the size of those reusable bags you get from the grocery store but how much cooler are they? The owl's eyes & wings and the elephant's ear are hand-stitched felt... look for them on esty soon!

I also snuggled with my dogs on the couch and watched bad tv....

Tomorrow I have to go over to my old store to drop off my keys and pick up my paycheck. Thank God it isn't my last check... I still have this week, vacation, maybe sick time, and disability coming to me over the next 2 months.... Josh keeps making comments about me being "unemployed"... Technically I still have a job...

That's pretty much it :) I am slowly dipping my toe in the housewife pool. So far the water is nice and warm, but totally alien to me. I guess I will just get used to it!

Update from my Dr appt

So my appointment went well today. I got to hear my babies hearts beating away, which is always great :) Plus my doctor pulled me out of work. With the contractions, spotting, and overall discomfort without much to do about it we both thought it was for the best. I am freaked out but relieved that I don't have to worry about the need to be on my feet, even for a few hours. Being in retail I can't not be on my feet all day, and with the holidays coming up I can't fathom the idea of literally running around all day...

So I am really hoping that my HR dept will cooperate and give me my disability. My last conversation with them went well, they wanted to put me at part time because my doctor initially pulled me down to 6 hours a day. I was able to fned that off by letting them know I had my followup today. So technically I am still full time. Which means I am still entitled to my benefits. I left a message for the rep I have been talking to, so she should call me back tomorrow.

So there you have it! No work for me, at least for a while :) Now I can fully concentrate on growing my babies and keeping them healthy. That is the absolute most important thing to me, I can't imagine putting them in jeopardy by putting myself in jeopardy of pre-term labor, preeclampsia, or placenta previa. With all of the studies that have been done on the effects of constant standing and pregnancy risks, it was kind of a no-brainer. Being high risk as it is I will do what I can!

17 weeks....

And all is well! Here's a breakdown of everything so far:

How far along: 17 weeks today!

Weight gained: not sure, I'm guessing around 10-15 lbs but I will know tomorrow. I don't have a scale at home :) I think the babies are eating my existing fat ;) Oh, and as a reference I was wearing size 31 jeans pre-pregnancy...

Measuring: 43 inches around with my belly button as a reference. This is a better way for me to know that the babies are growing rather than how much I weigh...

Babies are the size of: a turnip!

Cravings: Noodles, bacon, and beef. I have developed an aversion to milk though! It makes me sick to my stomach now! I also drink gallons of water, I seriously crave it! One day last week there wasn't any bottles water in the house and I about lost my mind!

Belly button: innie, but it's flattening out.


Stretch marks?: Nope not a one... hopefully it will stay that way!

Sleep: Eh. I take a nap when I get home from work, but sleeping at night has become a challenge. I have found that putting my body pillow under my belly helps me sleep on my side better. I can still kinda sleep on my stomach, but I do need a little pillow-manuevering to do so...

Genders: a boy and a girl!

Labor signs?: Not really, still more Braxton Hicks though.

Worst moment last week: continued spotting. Babies are fine, but one of my placentas has gravitated toward my cervix. Not covering it, but too close for my comfort.

Best moment: telling Josh the genders :) I gave him a bunch of baby stuff - mostly sale Halloween, such as two skeleton sleepers and two fuzzy costumes (a puppy and a sweet pea). The last things I gave him were 2 sleepers - one blue/black stripe that said 100% boy on it and one pink with guitars. He was beyond thrilled but we were both sad ye wasn't there for the u/s. I had it early because of the spotting, he had to work.

What I miss the most: Energy. and coffee..

What I am looking forward to the most: feeling definitive kicks! The babies' cartilage is beginning to harden so I should be able to feel it soon!!

Milestones: Being able to actually but something gender-specific!

So there you have it!! So far everything is in track. I have an appt tomorrow and I am really hoping to be able to quit work. It's been exhausting and uncomfortable...

What's in a name?

So we have been thinking of names for our little ones... I also think we aren't really going to decide until we see the little ones, so you may see names on this blog that are just in our heads and not necessarily the names of "Rice Cake and Rice Cakette" (thanks to Jenna for the nicknames!)...

I can tell you however we aren't very traditional in our name choices. You will not see Michael or Michelle here, nor will you see more common trendy names, such as McKenzie or Tyler. While I have nothing at all against these names, Josh and I are a teeny bit more unique than that...

I DO love some boy names for my little daughter, such as Dylan or Chase or even Cash (I adore Johnny Cash). But I also like super girly names like Chloe or Lily.

For our little boy we are seriously thinking Dexter. Little Dex. But we aren't ruling out other names like maybe Callum, although I am not thrilled with the nickname "Cal", it reminds me of Cal Worthington and his Dog Spot. For those who were products of the Eighties, especially in Orange County, CA, you will know what I am talking about...

We already know our daughter's middle name will be Anne. It's my and my mom's middle name. Our son's middle name will be David, Josh's dad's first name and Josh's middle name.

Woah. I just said "our daughter" and "our son"...

Any suggestions???

Ultrasound today (and genders)

So I had more spotting yesterday so I went in today to make sure all was going well. The u/s tech thinks it had something to do with one of my placentas moving down, it's really close to the cervix but not covering it. I will know more next week when I see my dr - he wasn't there today due to a delivery.

The babies are doing just great! Both are measuring perfect, totally active, and healthy. It was adorable - while one was being measured the other kept poking her little head into the shot and then getting a swift kick in the face by the first little guy :)

Did you get what I just said there? Yes, we are having a boy and a girl! I am beyond happy over the news! And it was absolutely unmistakable too, definitely a boy and a girl :)

So now on to names........

Halloween, Work, and just plain Life

So halloween was ok... It was good, but everyone seemed too tired to care about dressing up, minus my 10 year old niece who happens to be something wickedly goth every year. This year she was Snow White after the poison apple but before waking up. So dead Snow White. Sweet...

I haven't been feeling great at all for the last few days. I am still sore from working last week. I barely do anything I still feel like I worked out like a mad woman! Plus I had some light spotting yesterday and today. It's dark brown, very light, and no cramps or contractions accompanying so I know it's just my body yelling at me to take it easy. I have an appointment on Nov 11 and my cervix and placentas will be checked to make sure there is no placenta previa... I have a feeling it's just one or both of my placentas moving a bit. But still scary!

It will all be ok....

I have to thank God every day for giving us this amazing gift, my two babies. I have a husband that loves me more than anything. I have a family who cares immensely. I have so many good forces rallying around this experience and the two little ones, it will all be ok...

I have very specific ways I want to raise my children. I want them to know they are loved, tell them and show them every day. I want to always speak to them with respect and logic. I want them to learn to respect all living things and Josh and I. I want them to know that I will never be upset with them if they are honest with me, no matter what. I want them to know what it's like to play outside, have fun being with family, reading, just spending time being a kid....

I know it's easier said than done, but at least I have a jumping off point....

Not a whole lot to say at the moment, other than my favorite holiday is tomorrow! I love Halloween, I live for it every year :) We are going up to Seattle for the weekend to relax and watch scary movies. Every year my sis-in-law goes a little more out for the scary holiday with her house. We have a fog machine that we are bringing up and I am sure they have lots of scary things to put up. I am also going to look for a pack-n-play while I am up there to keep at their house so we won't have to lug one every time we go. I kinda also want to get another stroller to keep there too...

The babies were pretty active last night :) Still no telltale jabs, but more like somersaults in my belly. I can especially feel them when I am lying on my side and my belly is pressed against my mattress.

I am anly working 6 1/2 hours today (yay!) and next week starts my strict 6 hours a day schedule. I hope it gives some relief!

Back to the Dr I go

I had some mild contractions on Monday and Tuesday. When I got my first one, I had no idea what it was. I was in the Ap.ple store and felt this spasm all across the front of my abdomen. "Stange..." I thought and I continued to deal with the guy who was fixing my phone *side note - he said I was screwed and should order a new phone for $200. I went home and fixed it so who's the bitch now?!*

Anyway, it happened a few more times during the course of 5 or so hours, so I called my Dr. It was around 10:30pm, so I felt bad, but he put me at ease and told me to always call if anything should be concerning. He said it indeed sounded like contractions and I needed to take it easy, drink lots of water, and see if they go away. I did and they did. YAY!

I should mention that I had just finished up work and stopped by Ap.ple before heading home. So I was on my feet all day.

So yesterday I go to work at 9am as usual. around 12:30 I had another contraction. Dammit. I called my Dr office and made an appt for today. I had 4 or 5 more by 6pm and when I got home I didn't have any more. Yay again... But I suspected the whole thing was work related.

Dr visit today. He is sure it has to do with work. He cut me down to 6 hours a day to start to see if it helps. My boss has been really great about attending to the needs of my whole deal and had already suggested going down to 20 hrs a week and doing short term disability for the remaining 20 hours. I don't know if that's possible, but I will certainly try it if I can....

Oh, and I got to hear the kiddos :) one at 150 and one at 160. GLEE!!

And my blood pressure rose a teeny bit. Boo. But I have always been on the low side of normal so it's not a huge deal...

That's it! There's my update for ya! Next appt is 11.11 Wednesday when we find out the genders!!

Someone told me today that the first trimester tends to drag, the second flies by, and the third feels like forever. It's so strange, because I had been thinking "wow, I feel like I should be further along by now". But then I realize I am nearly 15 weeks along, not far from the halfway point, almost at my halfway point (if I go to 36 weeks instead of 40) and I am further along than I think I am. People have no problem asking when i am due for fear that I am plump and not pregnant. so far I have had no belly rubs (yay!) with the exception of my friend Dana, who I suspect secretly rubs my belly for good luck :). I worked today and being on my feet was seriously exhausting. My uterus began feeling heavy midway through the day. If this is going to be an every day occurence there's no way I will make it through Christmas at work...

Ok, now for my changes -

I feel the babies flutter around more than before, but I can only feel them when I am chilling on the couch or just waking up. I love the feeling, but it almost feels like twitches. I can't wait to feel a real live JAB! Better yet, I can't wait to feel it outside my tummy so that Josh can feel it too. And my dog Molly, since she likes to snuggle against my belly...

Speaking of dogs, they will absolutely not leave my side. They cuddle super close to me when I am home and even when I go to use the bathroom they follow me. Too funny...

I have had a weird symptom since last week. I can feel my heart beating. It's not fast, just pounding. Dr says this is completely normal and to drink more water (more?!), which sometimes helps. Basically when I am lying down, quiet, usually trying to zero in on babies movement, I feel this THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!....

My cravings of late? Noodles and cereal.. not together. I eat more corn flakes than ever and crave noodles. Any kind, I don't care. Bring on the spaghetti. Bring on the chow mein. Bring on the Top Ramen or Cup o' Soup. I don't care. I just want noodles...

Oh, one more thing, I got blood results back from my NT visit (which by the way, was under the wire as far as timing goes), and being 35 my normal risk would be 1/250 chance. My risk? 1/1500. So apparently Josh and I have pretty good genes and my eggs are nice and young. Which I am not 100% surprised since for most of my "fertile" life I didn't ovulate.

on that note, I leave you with a picture of Molly and Lucy. Spooning. I took a nap and woke up to this...

14 week belly shot

Thought I'd share...

Lately I have STILL had headaches. It's the worst part of this, waking up every day to my head pounding. I know that today it has to do with catching a mild cold. Otherwise I am feeling good, still tired, but doing well.

I made a major decision. I have my next dr appt on Nov 11 (17 weeks). I am having such a tough time with work being on my feet all day, the stress of it, and just really feeling sick. I have had some pressure in my belly which the nurse attributes to my uterus growing, but it is so uncomfortable when I have to stand all day. If I am still feeling that way appt time, I am going to tell him about it, if he has a good suggestion I will follow it. But I will most likely quit my job anyway. If I put in my 2 week notice the next day I will be done by Thanksgiving. Which means this would be the first holiday season in my adult life I can actually celebrate. I wouldn't have to miss Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends because I have to work the next day. I can relax at my sis-in-law's at Christmas and not have to worry about driving up late Christmas eve or leaving at midnight Christmas night.

It's scary, though. Not having that extra income AND having 2 new mouths to feed, but I know we will get through it all :)

Peri visit

I had a visit with my Perinatal clinic today to do a NT screening. So far the bambinos look perfect (whew!) and I am waiting for blood results, which will be ready next friday. They were gonna prick my finger but I would have to wait another week so I told her to just do a draw. I swear she used the biggest needle she could find! I saw her pull it out of it's casing and KNEW it would hurt like a bitch. And it did. Now I have a huge bruise on my arm and even a bump.

Next appt is Nov 11th, hopefully it will include a gender determination if the babies are cooperating :) They also got their first gift from mommy and daddy - socks with skulls all over them ;) They are bigger than newborn, so they won't wear them for a while. I may put some drops of puffy fabric paint on the bottoms do they are skid-proof :)

Welcome to the 2nd trimester!

So here they are. My children. They are perfect and healthy :) Josh was finally with me for the u/s this morning and the look on his face was priceless! The babies were kicking and moving around so much, it was incredible to see them so animated! And their little profiles no longer look like tadpoles or gummy bears or blobs. They look like real live babies now!

Today marks day one of my second trimester :) Ahhh, I am so happy to be at this point!

The sonographer attempted to check genders. She said that she's about 70% sure it's a boy and a girl. We will find out for sure November 11th! But my bet is she's right, I have kind of always known :)

I also found out something interesting today. My mom told me that my great grandma was a twin, but the sibling died very early. So I guess twins DO run in the family! Now I can actually tell people that instead of saying no and them asking personal questions about "getting help". Which yes, I was asked. And I just said "nope". I don't want to get into my fertility issues with some stranger at my store....

My dr says I can start maternity leave as early as 26 weeks if I want, but he may even pull me out of work sooner. He says that because I'm on my feet all day it may not be the best thing to work a lot...

.•°*”˜˜”*°•.Tiny bubbles.•°*”˜˜”*°•.

This morning, while trying to mentally zone out my headache (didn't work, dr called and tylenol is ok to take), I felt something. Like little bubbles. Absolutely not my stomach yelling that it was hungry. Not gas. Bubbles.... it lasted for about 5 minutes. It was too cool for words....

I wasn't sure if it was too early to feel any kind of movement, so I went online and sure enough 12 weeks as about the time you can start feeling movement. With twins it's usually early.

What's also amazing is feeling the top of my uterus, right underneath my navel. There's also a strong whooshing pulse, faster than mine, and I know that's part of the process of keeping blood flow to the babies.

This is too exciting :)

Send me a request if you want to see my blog :)

Belly Shot...

Not the greatest shot, sorry for cutting off my head, but from the neck up I look like shit. really. Also, forgive the spots on the mirror. or lint. or whatever that is....

This one is Molly snuggling with my bump on the couch... She has no idea what she's in for....

Award!!

Thank you Katie!!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Survey~

1. Where is your cell phone? floor

2. Your hair? short

3. Your mother? far

4. Your father? silly

5. Your favorite food? Chinese

6. Your dream last night? Scary

7. Your favorite drink? Milk (Organic!)

8. Your dream/goal? happy

9. What room are you in? Living

10. Your hobby? crafting

11. Your fear? sadness

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? kindergarten (well, not me)

13. Where were you last night? sleeping

14. Something that you aren’t? lonely

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. Wish list item? house

17. Where did you grow up? California

18. Last thing you did? slept

19. What are you wearing? tee

20. Your TV? on

21. Your pets? snuggles

22. Friends? loyal

23. Your life? Content

24. Your mood? hungry

25. Missing someone? family

26. Vehicle? audi

27. Something you’re not wearing? socks

28. Your favorite store? grocery

29. Your favorite color? red

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? Wednesday

32. Your best friend? Josh

33. One place that I go to over and over? beach

34. One person who emails me regularly? sisters

35. Favorite place to eat? home

I am awarding this blog award to you lovely ladies who read!

Apologies!

Hey all,

I am sorry I had to block my site. I discovered a work-related troll who began using this information as ammunition against me. Even though nobody here knows where I work, who my boss is, or any other details other than I am in Portland and knocked up. Oh, and my husband is Josh.

So on with work stuff. I had a conversation with my boss and feel comfortable and happy with my outcome. I am moving to another store with a lower title, less responsibility, more time for me, and no paycut. So lucky me. I am happy I don't have to go further and feel like it will be good for everyone.

So there you go... now I need a nap....

My Dr Appt today :)

First off, thank you to everyone for your support on the whole work deal. I contacted HR today and emailed a full statement as to my claims. I also spoke with my previous boss (who I LOVE) about it all, she was insanely supportive and gave me some great advice. I hope it doesn't go to a court room, but if it does, I am ready for the fight...

My assistants have both given me written statements on how they feel about my work and me as a manager. I also am getting them from at least 2 other employees. I told them only if they were comfortable with it, not one of them hesitated. I am so happy to have the support.

One of my assistants told me something today that really made me cry. She said God wouldn't have given me my miracles without having a plan on how I will care for them. She said not to worry, God will make sure we are taken care of. It just got me...

On with the news of my appointment :).....

I had my first visit with my OB today. I have to say I am so happy to have made the change! He is wonderful, informative, and totally supportive! I really felt like he will personalize my experience and I am so pleased with him. I feel completely comfortable being his patient.

PLUS...

this first visit was basically a sit-down to ask questions and get to know him. we talked for a solid hour on what to expect, being high risk, testing, etc etc. Then he asked if I wanted to see the babies.. uhh YEAH! I wasn't expecting an ultrasound but he gave me one for free :) He also said I would have monthly u/s. So I got to see my babies again today! They are still perfect. They both meassure at 11 weeks exactly and are so beautiful! I was sad that Josh wasn't with me again, but we didn't know. Plus I have another u/s on Oct 13. I am anxiously looking forward to seeing my little gummy bears again, I can't get enough :)

Seeing my babies again made me calm down instantly. They make me realize that nothing in this world matters more than them.

Never let a pregnant woman go to the store

She will leave fora carton of milk and come back with taco stuff, strawberry shortcake stuff, sour patch kids, chips, salsa, pepperidge farm cookies, rocky road ice cream, a watermelon, and a pineapple.....

....but not a carton of milk....

9w2d...

I had my second u/s today, and my very last appointment with my amazing Dr who made this all possible....

The babies are growing well! Both are measuring 9w1d and have strong heartbeats! Baby A was at 167 and Baby B at 163... Baby A was wiggling around all over the place, it was so adorable! Sorry for the bad picture, there are more I will try to scan. There are 2 of Baby A, one head on and one profile. That's when she wiggled. Yes, I said she, I have a very strong feeling A is a girl and B is a boy. Call it mother's intuition :) We will see if I'm right in 2-3 months!!

I also got rid of my orginal OB and got a new one. Yay! I already feel happier about it! He was recommended by my RE and is even in the same building. So I get to deliver at Good Samaritan like I want and will be with a dr who has previous experience with my RE's patients. So my next appointment is Sept 29th..

I had so much anxiety going into this u/s. I was scared to death. Josh couldn't go with me either. It was stressful... poor guy, I was practically biting his head off all morning, so I am making it up to him by making ribs for dinner....

So happy!! Next week I will start posting belly shots...

To Seattle we a-go-go

Josh and I are driving up to see his sister Tabitha and her family today :) yay! I haven't come up since some time in June so I am very excited to spend the weekend there. The weather is beautiful, so far the car ride is ok for me and the babies, and the whole ap.ple fiasco has been taken care of. Now they are offering me free products. What should I get? Another ma.cbook? A new iPhone? A 20" moniter perhaps? I'm thinking free product will be a hefty i.tunes credit and maybe a cord or something. Which is fine by me :)

On the pg front, I had a miserable headache yesterday and was bummed I couldn't take anything for it. It went away with sleep :) no real nausea, no pain, I am still just tired but otherwise normal. Which of course scares the shit outta me. But no spotting, cramping, etc. I did have spotting 2 weeks ago but I didn't blog about it. I called my nurse and she assured me it would stop and to call if I start cramping or it gets heavy. It stopped and I haven't seen it since.

My stomach has actually gone down a bit. Of course logical me would say it is my innards settling into their new spots and roles as second to the uterus. And paranoid me thinks the babies and my womb have stopped growing. But they haven't. Pants still don't fit. Still have a bump. Still need my belly band.

I get to see the babies again on Thursday :) I am again nervous and excited! I think the only time I will begin feeling at ease is when I feel the kicks. All four of those tiny feet :)

Today has to be better, right?

Yesterday the bad news just kept coming. First, there was that bad feeling at my ob (see previous post), then ap.ple completely screwed up an order and charged us $1000.... Long story short, Josh got a mac.book air and decided he wanted the pro instead, so instead of refunding and then charging us they just charges us. It's being taken care of, though.

Then the worst news... An old friend whom I haven't talked to in a few months passed away back in June. I didn't know until yesterday. It makes me sad that I missed her memorial and that I had been meaning to call her and just never got around to it. She had Lupus and passed from complications of the disease. It's so heartbreaking, she was only 29.

Elizabeth ("lizard"), if you can read this or hear me just know that I love you so much and I'm so sad you are gone. We had some fun times together and I will miss you.....

Class today... Eh...

So I had my prenatal class today with my regular ob's nurse. It was me and 5 other preggos all at least 8 years younger. We had to go around the room saying how far along we were and our neaseua battles. So it got to me and I said 8 weeks with twins, there were oohs and ahhs all around. Then they all started questioning how I knew so I said I had a sonno at 6 wks. None of them had a sonno yet, so they were all shocked when I said I had.

Anyway only u and another lady who was 11 wks were showing. There was a "marathon runner" (her words) that claimed she was ten wks and had a flatter stomach than I had ever seen.

I found out my dr doesn't deliver at the hospital I want to be at. Boo. And the nurse kept saying things like dyeing your hair was fine and 12-16 oz of caffiene was fine. Wha??!?!? You mean to tell me a million other people are wrong and you are right?

I wasn't comfortable with the statements she was making, and the fact that I can't deliver at my hospital makes me sad. I am going to ask my re for some recommendations next week when I go in for my 2nd sonnogram.

So it was ok. Just ok. I felt weird being there with women who got pg the old fashioned way. I felt out of place....

OB appointment made and new pains

I made an appt with my OB. It's 09/22, but I also have a class that she requires new pregnant patients to take this tuesday. I guess it's about eating right, exercise, etc. So it should be informative!

My next (probably last) appt with my RE is set for the 17th. It's bittersweet. I have been going there for 2 years now and I am going to miss the staff. The people at Oregon Reproductive have been amazing always. They made me feel like I was the only patient that existed. Although I am happy to graduate because they helped me achieve my dream, I am so sad because they have been a huge part of our lives. Josh and I will miss them.

On to new pains. I can feel my uterus growing. Obviously I know that it's going to grow faster with twins, there's so much pressure being applied to my other organs! Especially my bladder... So weird to feel that. Also my abdomen is literally growing almost by the hour. I wake up bigger than I was the night before and come home from work bigger than I was in the morning. Only slightly but I can tell. It's crazy. It's nice to know everything is still growing as it should.

Other than that I am just tired all of the time. I slept about 9 hours last night and took 2 two hour naps today. I feel like if I put my head down right now I will be asleep in 5 minutes :) ahhh, I LOVE pregnancy sleep, it's the best ever :)

New craving?

I was watching a lame horror flick last night (thank god my cable is finally installed!! No more movies!!) and the girl was eating Cap'n Crunch. I immediately looked to Josh and said "oh my god I want Cap'n Crunch. Now. With crunch berries". He looked at me and said "do you really want me to go out at 1am to get you cereal? I will if you want." I said no, I can wait and get it myself tomorrow.

See? He was being wonderful by offering (begrudgingly) to get some, and I was wonderful for not making him do it.

So here I sit eating apples, grapes, and crackers waiting to get off work to get me some Cap'n Crunch. With crunch berries. Yummmmm.

Unsolicited advice

So I was at work today. I was wearing a tight sweater so you could see my bump. If I wear something loose you can't see it, but I do have one. It's about the size that i could be pg, but I could just be fat. Beside the point... I was at the counter with my hand on my belly because the kiddos were giving me a bout of neausea. A trashy lady comes up to me and asks when I was due.

Me: early next year
Her: wow! You are huge for not being very pregnant!
Me: Thanks. I'm carrying twins. We twin carriers usually measure 4 weeks ahead.
Her: your hands are gonna swell. Your feet too. That's gonna suck for you.
Me: well, my sisters didn't have a whole lot of swelling issues, neither did my mom, so I think I will be ok.
Her: well they didn't have twins, did they?
Me: no, do you have twins?
Her: no, but I swelled.
Me: I'm not related to you. I think I will be just fine.
Her: you are gonna swell big time.
Me: then come back in a few months. I will be the one with the sausage fingers and Kleenex boxes on my feet cuz no shoes fit.

Really lady, do you honestly think I care about your water retention issues? This lady had to have been around 230 lbs or more. Me? I'm like 140ish give or take. I also down water like you wouldn't believe and don't have water retention issues. She looked like she ate cheetos and red bull through her pregnancy. Her flabby tummy was actually hanging out of her shirt. Her muffin top frightened me. Why the hell was she in a high end designer store?

Sorry, I don't mean to judge, but come on. She looked like one of the people on that site peopleofwalmart.com. Check it out, it's funny and sad at the same time. I liken her to the lady in the pink top. You'll know her when you see her.

I guess this is just the start of all of the unsolicited advice that will happen upon me in the next 7 or so months. Awesome. The dark side of pregnancy.

Oh, and my sweet wonderful husband looked at me the other day and says " it will be fun to see what this pregnancy does to you". Asshole.

Crafty giveaway :)

I signed up for this over on Coco's Blog (Wishing, Hoping, Thinking, Praying) I have seen this on a lot of people's blogs but hopefully there is someone out there who hasn't done it yet and wants to!

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you. Yay presents!! This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:


1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.

2- What I create will be just for you.

3-They say I have a year to get it to you. But I promise it will NOT take that long.

4- You have no clue what it's going to be. (nor do I at this point! :)

The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

So the first five people who post, and are willing to pass it along,will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!

Feeling better

I am feeling so much better than earlier. Josh is insanely supportive and I know we are in this together. He makes me feel safe. He will of course never leave me, he is my rock.

We were at the grocery store today and there was a guy with an adorable toddler on his shoulders. I turned to Josh and said "how are you going to put 2 kids on your shoulders?" he said "you'll have one silly". It made me think about life with 2 and how amazing it will be. I can't wait to be a mom, and I can't wait to be able to see my husband with his children. He's gonna be a great dad.

Ugh hormones....

I had my first "real" emotional meltdown today. It all started when Josh and I were finishing up the last of moving out of our place into our new pad. I wasn't doing anything strenuous, just packing up a box when all of the sudden neausea set in. I went into the bathroom immediately because I knew I was going to be sick. When I was done, I went and sat down and started crying uncontrollably. So many thoughts were going through my head...

- I felt terrible that I wasn't that much help and poor Josh had to so most of the work.
- what if I hurt the babies while working in the move?
- what if I am a bad mom who can't provide for her children?
- what if this whole twin thing puts a wedge in my relationship with my husband?
- what if he can't take it and leaves me? What if he decides he doesn't want kids?
- oh my god we are having twins....

Of course these thoughts are entirely irrational and it's just the hormones and the stress of moving that caused my little episode. I know that. But remember from a previous post, I am not being that rational at the moment.

I have another u/s on Sept 17. 2 1/2 long weeks until I see them again. Josh is taking the afternoon off to be there. He's just as invested in this as I am. We've been together for 15 years, we know eachother so well. We know exactly how each reacts to things. So why am I so scared?

Fucking hormones......

Bet you all want to know how my u/s went...

TWINS!!!!!

Baby A is measuring 6w2d and has a heartbeat of 115, baby B is measuring 6w1d with a heartbeat of 109. The dr says that anything over 100 is good... So yeah, TWINS! Josh is in complete shock (as am I) but we couldn't be happier. Yay!!!!!

Moving on....

An awkward photo of the living area.....

Well, just moving. Josh went to the landlord the day after we found out there will be 3 or more of us to inquire about a larger apartment. We went in this morning to check on it and lo and behold, the one we wanted is now available. It's a 2 bedroom loft apartment, which we are very excited about! So Thursday we get the keys and have until Sunday to move out of our current pad. Ahhh, more room! and a baby room! BTW baby has a walk in closet.... which will come in handy I am sure...


I hired movers, rented a truck (yes, it's in the same complex but the complex is HUGE), and requested a quote for move-out cleaning services. Because I will be damned if I am gonna lift a finger in this. Actually, Josh won't allow it. He won't even let me clean a teeny tiny spot on the carpet. Besides I am working Saturday and won't be able to do anything anyhow.... I spent about 20 minutes cleaning out my closet and then got tired/bored of it all...

On the baby front, I am feeling a little better. I wake up with morning sickness and once I eat I am ok. I am still tired all of the time. At work I can't ever stop yawning! My poochie tummy has gone down a little, my digestion has mellowed out, and I can sleep pretty well again. In fact, my naps are the best sleep I have had in ages. Before I got pregnant, it would take me over an hour to fall asleep, now I can doze off in a minute. Josh laughs because I always fall asleep with the remote in my hand. Once I even fell asleep while eating....

1st ultrasound is Friday morning..... please please please let it be a good one....

David and Goliath, or me and insurance

So I got insurance statements the others day. All I saw on the statements was DENIED. What?! I had called prior to ivf and they said I was covered up to 10k for fertility treatments. So I called to figure it all out....

Me: why was my claim denied?

Them: your lab wasn't a participant, and we are PPO.

Me: then why was I told otherwise when I called to determine coverage?

Them: I don't know, maybe they billed wrong.

Turns out my dr is a participant, but the lab that did all of the baby growing is not. Would have been nice to know, but at least I prepaid for everything in case this did happen. Now I owe another $1200 for the cryogenics, well, $700 because I just paid $500 to them.

It's all ok though, I have my bean and that's all that matters.

The horror film

My sister always said that after she became pg with her son there was always a "horror film going on in the back of her head". You know, the worst possible things happening? Yeah, I got that.

It all started yesterday. I had the day off. I spent the morning sleeping and the afternoon leisurely running light errands. I had a healthy breakfast, snacked on veggies, and made a positively scrumptious dinner. I napped, relaxed, shopped a bit, and rubbed my expanding belly. I felt good. It scared the hell out of me. I'm not supposed to feel good!!! I also (tmi) had some digestive changes which didn't help... Sorry...

Rational me would say I felt good because I wasn't working. I wasn't stressed out, I had good sleep, I was relaxed. Rational me would say the digestion changes were due to laying off the dairy a bit and keeping veggies in my diet. Rational me would say this. This is not rational me. This is now protector me.

I have no cause for alarm. I have no bleeding at all, nothing that would even remotely be a sign of something wrong. But I can't help it. I have wanted this for so long, I will be damned if it's taken away. I do shots and pills to sustain my pregnancy. I take every single necessary precaution to make sure my child(ren) are safe and sound.

But there's still that damn horror film. Someone asked me if I was feeling better after a bout of neausea the other day. I told her I won't feel better for another 18 years at least. And it's true!

Work, weekend, and stretchy pants

Today is my only day off this week. One of my managers has a dental issue to take care of, so she will be out for a few days. I don't envy her... Tomorrow my boss will be at my store. She will see how I have aready "popped" and have the shock of her life! I'm glad I told her, because at this point I would be hard-pressed to hide it. It's 95 degrees out, I can't exactly wear a bulky sweater, now can I? I am getting better and better with managing the exhaustion, although the weekends are still a struggle. Thank God for understanding coworkers and the water cooler...

My in-laws were here this weekend. We decided to tell them over breakfast on Saturday that we are "in the family way". They are excited, they both cried! But then it started, the every 2 minutes of "how are you feeling?" I know they mean well..

let me give you a little insight into myself...

I actually detest getting doted on. I hate it. Josh and I are both that way, the only constant attention we want is from eachother. I mean, I LOVE being cared about, don't get me wrong. But if I am "fine", I am fine. If I want to talk about something having to do with me, I will bring it up. I am pretty much to myself IRL. I don't know why I am that way, but it's just me.

Now this is NOT to say people cannot ask how I am feeling. That's fine. But every 5 minutes? and asking if I have "thrown up today yet?"... Or after I respond "I'm fine", saying something like "no you aren't"... arrghh. A little too much into my bodily functions, thank you very much...

I am practically living in my maternity pants for work. I bought one pair of stretchy pants thinking I can get away with it.. nope. I need to go shopping.... either that or start going to work in sweats, but I think designers frown upon that. Maybe I should go work for Jui.cy Cou.ture and wear velour sweatsuits all day :) But nobody wants to see that!

My new bod

So I know a lot of this has to do with all of the lovely things my digestion is doing (or not doing), but my body has already changed drastically! I decided last week to buy maternity pants and guess what I am wearing. Yep, already. Which is totally fine. I have always had a poochy belly so these are actually a relief. Super comfy :)

I've had insane m/s too. I even had to go home from work the other day because the only place that I feel comfy is my bed.... Ahhhh soft, comfy bed complete with a soft comfy body pillow I can wrap myself around.

Speaking of work, I don't know how I'm going to do this. I work in a fairly busy clothing store which I am the manager of. I sit down every 30 min due to exhaustion. I have mentioned stepping down, which looks more and more like a reality to me. My child(ren) and my health are more important than my boss telling me to rearrange the entire store. So I may just do it. I wish I were independently wealthy. Maybe I should play the lottery :)

Mind you I am not complaining one bit. I actually love it, I know that my little rice cakes are growing inside of me and I can't ask for anything more. Besides crystallized ginger. It's a god-send for neausea.

So far so good :)

568.2 :) according to my nurse that's good, they want to see it double every 72 hours, and it's been 48 hours :) next is my ultrasound scheduled August 28.... All I want to see is a flicker!!

The results are in!

245.6!!!

Can you believe how high that is!! I'm thinking twins....

I kept thinking the BFPs were going to magically sprout arms and legs and say "just kidding! You aren't really pregnant!" but the blood test officially confirms it!!!!

Next BW is Thursday :) :)

Quick Update..

So looking back on what I have been through, what so many of you have been through, I can't help to think about the courage we have to face our fear of not being able to have a child.

This has been a tremendous journey, filled with peaks, valleys, dry deserts, and lush fields. We are soldiers, no, warriors in the land of IF and I for one will never stop fighting. I will raise my sword to the big infertility monster and say NO MORE!

I feel like William Wallace from Braveheart - FREEDOM!!!!

Anyway, I am here to tell you I have wounded, maybe slain my IF monster.

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

Each of these tests were done in the evening, starting Friday! They have been progressively darker, the one from today is at the top. The test line is darker than the control line!

I feel like shit, I can't stand the one thing I love to eat (chocolate), and I feel like I just ate a HUGE meal all the time. But I don't care.

So worth it to see those lovely lines and to know IVF worked! Official blood test tomorrow, so I will post the results :)

I'm so excited I could pee! Not like I have already done it a thousand times today!

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support, I can't do it without you :) I am blessed!

Love to all,

Carol

.....but you can call me mommy

Check out a new site!

My good friend Brandie is amazing at finding FREE stuff on the web... So she now has a blog about it! If you like free you need to check it out - I just ordered the doggie sleeping bag and don't have to pay a cent for shipping :) It's pretty awesome that she puts it all in one spot for us bargain hunters :)

http://www.catchthefreebiejeebies.blogspot.com

A little better...

I am feeling better, thanks in HUGE part to the comments you all have given me :) I didn't know this would be as hard as it is. I have done IUI 3x, I have been in the TWW countless times, but this is different.

This time I know for a fact I have embryos in me. Whether or not they have implanted I don't know. But I know that I have tried.

I haven't felt nearly the same discomfort I felt between the ER and the ET. I have been moody and a little depressed. I am trying to convince myself this has worked, but then I think it hasn't. Nothing else has worked, why should this?

But then I listen to people like R*, a coworker. I told her about what was going on and every time I say "I hope this works", she gets "mad" (not mad) and says "don't say that! Say that you know it worked and keep those positive thoughts! you have a baby or 2 in there, don't forget that".

Every once in a while I feel a little twinge in my uterus. not often, but I did feel it on the way home. Every time I feel it, I ask aloud, "is that you, little one?" Because if it is, I want him/her/them to know my voice and know that mommy loves them dearly and always will, no matter what.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Overwhelmed

I don't know if it's the drugs, the bedrest, or what but I am feeling completely overwhelmed right now. I don't think I want to talk about this whole experience until there is something to talk about.

I've updated all I know, and I know I won't have anything else until next week. I don't want to over-analyze symptoms, talk about how I'm feeling, etc because frankly I will drive myself nuts. Also my feelings physical and emotional change at the drop of a hat, so I don't know how much real truth there is in "how I feel". Just know I'm excited, scared, happy, depressed, in pain, feel just fine... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel so I will just feel it all. Or nothing. Or some. I don't know.

I just want to believe this has worked and let it be.

the rice cakes Updated

That's what Josh calls them... I hope they are getting all nestled in :) I get a report on the rest tomorrow... The one on the right is a slightly higher grade than the left, but both are excellent...

UPDATE

Got a call from the embryologist - 2 more made it to freeze! I asked her what grade they were and she said they don't freeze anything lower than a 1, which is perfect....

I can't wait til I am able to get out of bed.. my back is killing me. I am able to lie on my back, side, or stomach but I cannot have my head elevated higher than 2 pillows. I can elevate my legs which helps! All for my little rice cakes. I am already in-love :)

All done

2 beautiful blasts. 5 more might make it to freeze. I'm on Valium so I'm going back to sleep. Photos later :)

Strange or Normal? TMI edition

I am sure this is all about the drugs I am taking (estrace, baby asprin, doxycycline, medrol,prenatal, and PIO shots.... I think that's it), but I have the weirdest pains. My uterus feels full like I am going to have a doozy of an AF or like I have to pee. It is actually uncomfortable to walk around, even at work. Anyone else have this feeling? Last check on my lining was 11.5mm and I have been in triple pattern for a while now, so I would imagine I have a nice thick lining now since that was last Sunday. So that's it, right?

My boobs hurt too, I know that has everything to do with the PIO shots. Speaking of which...

I have had 2 shots so far. Josh is a pro at giving them to me and they don't hurt so far. But the whole idea that they are going to start hurting freaks me out a bit. josh makes sure I don't see the needle at all, he waits until my back is turned and my eyes are closed before he takes the cap off. So sweet :)

So my embies have been incubating for 3 days now. They should have 8 perfect cells and all snug in their petri dish beds, waiting for their home on Sunday. Tomorrow they should begin compacting and by Sunday morning be blastocysts.

Still babies to me...

The embryologist hasn't called me about them or how they are doing. I take it as "no news is good news".

I guess we will find out Sunday morning!

I will most likely not have an update until Tuesday. I will be on bedrest for 48 hours following the transfer and I don't think my notebook computer on my lap will be a good idea. Well, maybe a little update from my phone... But I will post pictures of the embies when I can. As Katie calls them "baby's first picture", which I love...

Thoughts in the TWW

So I don't think I will get another report until I go in Sunday morning. I am praying for my 17 babies, that each one will grow healthy and strong and my Dr will have a hard time deciding which 2 to put back... My sister made me laugh when she said "well I hope they put back Daphne and Dexter, that would suck if they put back a couple that you don't know!" I am also planning on testing before my blood test, just because I want to have an idea of whats going on, especially since I will be at work that day.

AND I still have Chele's Lucky HPT. 2 of the 3 she has given the HPT's to have gotten a BFP :) So I'd say they are lucky...

I was at the grocery store today buying organic veggies (since it's WAY too hot to go to the Farmer's Market) and thought about something. I had heard 1 in 4 women suffer from infertility at some point in their lives. and just over 10% have serious issues that require more than a minor change, such as PCOS, Male Factor, Endo, or just unexplained. I wondered how many of the women I saw today had suffered or are currently struggling with it. I began seeing it all from a different perspective. I must have come across 100 women today during my errands. Of those women, 25 have felt the way I have felt. They have cried when only one line has shown up, they have blamed themselves, or wondered "why me?". They have had the BFP only to have it taken away again. 10 of those have yet to overcome it, or possibly never will. I wonder how many have given up?

I would say maybe one. If that.

We TTCers are a strong group. We have had tears, heartache, pain, confusion. But we always keep going back for more. Why?

Because of hope. And maybe some stubborness.

But mostly hope.

Fertility Report

Just got off the phone whith the embryologist. I was expecting 15 mature and around 12 to fertilize.

It's better than that.

I got 18 mature and 17 fertilized!!!

So I am hoping at least half to grow to blast stage. I'm stoked :)

BUT it's quality over quantity. I'm hoping for some good quality embies. With Josh's swimmer report I am fairly confident. So it all lies with the egg quality I've given.

So far so good, right?

Quick update

All done. I'm so sore right now, but so happy. Dr says he got 20 eggs and I will get a call tonight on how many are mature. Tomorrow I will get a fertilization report and then I go back Sunday morning for the transfer. Ok so I'm exhausted now. Thanks for all of the well wishes, it's nice to know I have lots of Internet buddies who care :)

Is it hormonal in here or is it just me?

So today I had the height of my emotional, um, issues? instability? whatever, I was emotional.

Boss was at my store. I had a HUGE floorset last night and was at my store until almost 1am. I knew the floorset still needed work. So my boss didn't exactly ream me over it, not mean, just assertive about it. I can usually handle that and take criticism very well. I am NOT a cry-er. Especially at work. But today... well, I lost it. I mean lost it. I couldn't stop crying. My boss was feeling bad and I had to explain to her that it had nothing to do with what she was telling me, I got it and I agreed with her completely. I told her it was hormones, and then I said it. I told her I had my ER tomorrow and told her that I have been shooting myself with all kinds of hormones for the last week or so and it made me emotional.

Surprisingly, she understood. I was surprised. She of course went back to the workrelated issues, but she understood why I had struggled and why I was emotional.

Unfortunately all of the salty tears affected my vision, and ultimately my contact lens, which tore towards the end of the day. So driving home was scary.

Anyway, It all got me thinking... maybe if this does work I should step down to assistant manager instead of store manager. Less stress. Less responsibility. BUT less money. But it may be worth it....

Then again, it could be my hormones talking.

Josh gave me my HCG shot last night. He had no problem what-so-ever doing it too. I think he actually enjoyed it... Did I mention I was at my store all evening? Yeah, so since it's against company policy to have a non-employee in the store after hours (much less a friend/relative/spouse) we had to meet somewhere. So where do you meet to get a shot at 9pm? A bar? not that kind of shot.

We met up by my car in the 8-story-downtown-Portland-parking garage.

Yes, that's right. My husband shot me in the a$$ in a parking garage. No, nobody was there.

And I don't think I am the first person to inject something in that parking garage. I mean, it IS downtown Portland...

ER scheduled for 8am tomorrow morning, I have to be there at 7:15. Wish me luck ;)