Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Fast forward 3 years. Found an amazing doctor, work with an amazing team, I am happy. going to IVF very soon. And I get this phone call... from my boss...
boss: "I want you to take over a store up in Seattle. I know you've always wanted to live there so I thought you can take it. It's higher volume and needs someone strong."
me: "Umm, errr, Wha?!" And thinking, CRAP, why now?
boss: "It's a great opportunity and we really need you. And the company won't pay for the move"
me: "I can't afford to move 200 miles away to another state. I have a financial agenda and used my savings to pay off bills so I can buy a house in a year"
boss: "How much can a move be? Can't you just charge it?"
me: thinking - *I would still have to pay for it if I charged it...* "When I moved to Portland it cost almost $4000. I don't have that. Call me in September if you still need me there"
She does have someone there, but only every other week. It's complicated. Plus she lives in Hawaii where a move is renting a uhaul for $20 and driving across the island (unless you move to another island, but even then it ain't $ grand). Not to a whole other state.
So, yeah, good timing....but at least I am considered "strong"....
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A - Anne, my middle name. Also my mom's middle name and will be my future daughter's middle name.
B - Beverly Hills 90210. I know everything there is to know about the series. Try me.
C - Cats. I have had many.
D - Dogs. Well, you know.
E - Eggs. Trying to catch them to turn them into another E word - embryo
F - Fetus. After E
G - Glad I have a happy marriage :) awwwww
H - High Heels!
I - IVF. I never thought it would come to that but here I am...
J - Josh, my wonderful husband. And Jelly Moons (Molly Jones-black lab-anagramed)
L - Lucky (my cat), Lucy (my dog)
M - Mommy. Will someone EVER call me that?!
Too bad I wasn't.
I didn't go back to sleep, not the true deep sleep that makes you feel refreshed and alive when you get up. ohhh no. I got the "close-your-eyes-and-pretend-you-are-sleeping-in-hopes-you-trick-yourself-into-really-going-to-sleep" sleep. Never works. As I am blogging my DH is blissfully snoring (loudly) next to me. *sigh*
And before you say "take her to the vet PRONTO" I've done that. She has absolutely nothing wrong with her, she just apparently has a sensitive tummy and reacts by gagging. Nice, huh? She's also allergic to wheat, corn, chicken, beef, and just about everything else you can think of. Oh, and pollen. So this time of year is awesome for her....
Oh, and so is Molly (black lab). Plus she's got a salt-water-ear-infection....
My poor doggies...
I did have my 2nd day back at work today. That's another story altogether.
On a positive note, AF arrived Sunday so I am officially in my "worth a shot" cycle. I wanted to start temping but see above. Hopefully I will get my sleep tonight to get an accurate read tomorrow morning.
And another YAY - a dear friend gave me some pointers on selling my finger puppets and other wares. Today, etsy. Tomorrow, THE WORLD :)
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
This is our only shot. My insurance covers up to $10K of fertility treatments. This treatment will cost about that much. I can't afford another one. I have gone through so much and I feel like if it doesn't work I am out of resources. We can do maybe one FET, but that's if we have any embies to freeze. I usually don't have a problem producing eggs with medical intervention. I respond well to injections. At least I did. My injection cycles were interesting. First one I was 'shooting up" 14 days, progressing from 75UI at first ten 100UI towards the end. 2nd one was only 8 days, but I surged on my own and had to rush the IUI. 3rd cycle was 7 days, and again, I started surging early.
Each of these resulted in negatives.
I actually POASed after my trigger shot once just to *see* 2 lines. How sad is that? I had never seen them in person, I wanted to know what they looked like. I am deathly afraid that I will never see that *for real*.
Now I know IVF is different from injection cycles, but that's all I have to go by.
I am planning my entire life and future around the possibility of having a baby. Everything I do right now is only for the benefit of my potential future child. If it doesn't work...
Ugh. I don't want to think about it.
On to the better part of the day. DH and I took a nice long walk with our doggies and just enjoyed each other's company. So much of our time is either spent away form eachother, asleep, or watching something on tv. Tomorrow we are driving out to the beach for the day, and I am so looking forward to it.
The dogs will have fun too..
Thursday, April 23, 2009
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Anyway, I wanted to give you all a quick background on me. There's a TTC timeline on this blog too, but here's the gist...
I am 35, DH is 36. We have 2 labradors and a cat and have been married for 10 years now, TTC for nearly that long. I have "unexplained infertility". As we continue with our RE (Oregon Reproductive Medicine) I have found bit by bit that I have a hormonal imbalance which causes me to not ovulate. I didn't respond to Clomid, and did 3 injection cycles which I did respond to, but ended up BFN each time. I ws supposed to start IVF this past March but my RE found that the fibroid I had was too big and ordered surgery. My abdominal myomectomy was March 11. I have been off work for 6 weeks and I go back next week.
DH and I will be trying one last natural cycle next month. Actually in a week. The big differences now are:
- No more fibroid pumping estrogen into my system!
- Dietary changes - I am mostly organic now and have cut back on everything processed, although I can't resist peanut m&m's :)
- Currently on BCP, which I am hoping will kick my next cycle into high gear.
If that fails I will have IVF in June/July. If THAT fails... well, I don't know.
That's my TTC life in a nutshell. Similar to others, with the same emotional rollercoaster that goes along with it. I try to stay positive, in fact my RE has commented on how positive I am despite the disappointments I have had.
It's a front.
I am miserable through this. BUT I keep my hopes up that something will work this year and I will no longer have to deal with this.
I don't only blog about TTC, if you read further you will know I am pretty random.
Now if you will excuse me my dog is kicking her water bowl around the kitchen. I think she's trying to tell me something. :)
Today marks the 6 week milestone in my myomectomy recovery. WOOHOO!! I dodn't realize I would feel as good as I do, I though it would be more difficult. I am feeling.....NORMAL. The only thing is a little twang here and there, not painful, but enough to notice and react. Also my incision is still numb on one side. But otherwise I feel great!
*The picture above is one of my paintings. Sorry for the watermark, there be bandits on the interweb....
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
So I am actually accomplishing everything I wanted to do today! I even put more stuff on Etsy for you all! I know that there are a lot of successful TTCers who read this, so I made a necklace especially for you ladies. I am hoping to wear this necklace soon too :) Plus more finger puppets!! Woohoo!
Click on the picture above to go to my store, or just click HERE..
First off I PASSED the smog test!! Woohoo!! And my check engine light hasn't gone back on yet! A small woohoo on that because I know it won't last... that's ok, I need to take ol' Betty (that's my car) in for some work, but at least now I don't have a clock ticking above it and the threat of getting pulled over for registration (again). So YAY. It can wait until after IVF :)
I was so excited that I passed I went straight over to the DMV to get my Oregon registration all good and legal. I had Washington plates, but I didn't think about what my new plates would say. I handed over all of my goodies to the clerk: the form, title, insurance card, smog paper thingie, and check. She hands me back my new plates and stickers. "Yay for 2 year registration!" I think to myself... then I look down at the plates. Oh. Dear. God.
For those who don't know, the term "420" is known around the U.S. as a term for marijuana possession or appreciation. Now I live in the PNW. Here in Oregon it is a term widely known by all, whether they are into it or not. So cool. I now look like a drug dealer because I just happen to get "420 EEZ"... easy pot here. No, not really.
- Try to pass my smog test at the DEQ. I got pulled over last week for registration (oops!) and I told the cop I couldn't pass the smog because my check engine light was on. She told me to disconnect the battery for about 10 minutes to reset the computer and the light should go off. Illegal? I did come from an officer of the law, so I don't think so... It just temporarily turned off that darn "check engine light"....
- Should I miraculously pass the test I need to go wait in line at the DMV. Then call King County Courthouse and plead for a defferal on my ticket.
- Go to the post office. GUESS WHAT?! I sold my first piece on Etsy!! Little Brock sold to a nice person in Illinois... How exciting is that?!
- Post my new finger puppets/jewelry on Etsy. I have 3 or 4 more little guys and 2 necklaces right now, but I am making 2 more today. I will post when they are done.
All of this means I need to get out of bed. Ugh.
Congrats on finding a home little guy!!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I just put my TTC timeline into the margin of my blog. Holy CRAP I have been through a lot. It's didn't really hit me until I began typing it all out. It's really difficult to read it all and think that it's me. It's my TTC life. What happened??? Why do I go to sites like this and think "why do they get to experience this and I can't?" Then I go to sites like Lori's, Heather's, and Coco's and know I am not alone in this. But I feel alone. I am sad, angry, hurt, fed up, and just plain tired.
I have my IVF cycle coming up in July. Josh and I decided to try one last natural cycle in May before that. I am on BCP right now because a) I am hoping it will tell my ovaries to produce next month, and b) my dr. forbade any activity for 6 weeks after my surgery, so we couldn't do anything anyway... I have also gone mostly organic with the exception of the occasional Cadbury Creme Egg because they are just delish and you can only have them at Easter...
I was perusing another infertility site earlier, she had quotes from the song "Scientist" by Coldplay. They really hit home for me, so I invite you listen for yourself.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
My crude photoshop of my dream... poor bunny!!
I have since gone to http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/ and kinda figured out what the dream meant.... so here goes...
Riding a bicycle means I am trying to find balance in life. The trail signifies progress. Because the trail was rough it means I am having a rough go of it. The rabbit is a symbol for fertility, as are the geese, but because they were dead in my dream it means I don't have a lot hope in the fertility department. BUT I did rescue that little bunny rabbit, I am acknowledging my feelings of fertility, and since that bunny was alive, I still have hope. So is basically told me what I already know...
Either that or I ate too much of my chocolate easter bunny the night before....
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
A - Age: 35
B - Bed: comfy and warm
C - Chore you hate: dishes
D- Dogs: My Jelly and Lucy!!
E - Essential start your day item: My glasses until I get my contasts in
F - Favorite color: dark ones :-)
G - Gold or Silver: silver.... or platinum
H - Height: 5'7"
I - Instruments you play: None, but I do know some guitar chords. I would have to cut my nails if I wanted to play though...
J- Job title: Store Manager
K- Kids: see D.. plus cat Lucky... and ask me again in a year....
L - Living arrangements: Apartment... but again, ask me in a year...
M - Mom's name: Shirley
N - Nicknames: Carlos, kitten, honey...
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: the only one was my recent surgery...
P - Pet Peeve: cold feet
Q - Movie Quote: "Slappa the bass" From I love you, man
R - Right or left handed: Lefty
S- Siblings: 4 sisters - Cat, Barbara, Shelby, Grace... 1 bro - John
T - Time you wake up: umm, I don't sleep!
U - Underwear: boy shorts
V - Vegetable you dislike: Eggplant (blech!)
W - Why Not: tastes like vomit
X - X-rays you've had: wrist, hand, abdominal, I think that's it... do ultrasounds count? then ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes, etc etc
Y - Yummy food you make: chicken salad YUMMMM
Z - Zoo favorite: Giraffes at Oregon Zoo
Ok, off to mail my taxes now....
Sunday, April 12, 2009
We spent the weekend watching movies, all of which were pretty decent. We watched Mirrors, Bedtime Stories, and 7 Pounds. the best in my opinion was 7 Pounds, Will Smith plays defeated quite well!
Oh, I also got bored and made a list of baby names for y'all to vote on... Look to the left for a link...
That's it for now... But I leave you with the YUMMY Johnny Depp in a scene from Sweeney Todd... Enjoy... *
*Yes, I know it's not exactly Easter-y, but whatever....
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
My life is quite boring right now. All I do is Facebook and work on crafts and such. I am making this huge sacred heart wall sculpture.. I may sell it on Etsy, but I doubt it. either way, I will post a picture of it when I am done... I have also been wearing out my DVR with episodes of Cash in the Attic (I loves me some Alistair Appleton!), Dancing with the Stars (GO STEVE O!), and of course, 90210... BTW, Lucy Liu was in a 2nd season episode playing a waitress at the Peach Pit...
Ok, off to watch Steve O get kicked off DWTS... I never thought a jackass could be so damn charming*...
Steve O is still on! YAY!
*TRUST ME, watch the video... when he's sober he's like a 6 year old kid on the first day of school...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
At least while I was lying in bed wide awake listening to my 2 dogs, cat, and husband all in a deep REM sleep (Jelly was even snoring a bit), I thought of some super cute new items to post on Etsy. I will have my store up by the end of the week with lots of fun new things... Stay tuned!!!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My sister in law was here for a few days and I got her set up on Facebook. So now she's cool. HAHA J/K she has always been cool :-)
I have really been thinking about buying a house. I want to now, but I need to wait until the summer to start looking. Which, I know, it's only a couple of months away, but I have my reasons ;)
I also found out that my surgery cost almost $17,000. Woah. Thank god I only have to pay about $700 of that...