Saturday, April 25, 2009

Good/bad day...

While I sit here typing, I can't help but think about my impending IVF cycle. I am so scared. I am not afraid of the injections, the retreival, the transfer. I am scared to death it won't work.

This is our only shot. My insurance covers up to $10K of fertility treatments. This treatment will cost about that much. I can't afford another one. I have gone through so much and I feel like if it doesn't work I am out of resources. We can do maybe one FET, but that's if we have any embies to freeze. I usually don't have a problem producing eggs with medical intervention. I respond well to injections. At least I did. My injection cycles were interesting. First one I was 'shooting up" 14 days, progressing from 75UI at first ten 100UI towards the end. 2nd one was only 8 days, but I surged on my own and had to rush the IUI. 3rd cycle was 7 days, and again, I started surging early.

Each of these resulted in negatives.

I actually POASed after my trigger shot once just to *see* 2 lines. How sad is that? I had never seen them in person, I wanted to know what they looked like. I am deathly afraid that I will never see that *for real*.

Now I know IVF is different from injection cycles, but that's all I have to go by.

I am planning my entire life and future around the possibility of having a baby. Everything I do right now is only for the benefit of my potential future child. If it doesn't work...

Ugh. I don't want to think about it.

On to the better part of the day. DH and I took a nice long walk with our doggies and just enjoyed each other's company. So much of our time is either spent away form eachother, asleep, or watching something on tv. Tomorrow we are driving out to the beach for the day, and I am so looking forward to it.

The dogs will have fun too..

14 comments:

Best When Used By said...

I hope this works out for you! I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I know what you mean about funding problems putting a crimp in things. Our insurance covers diagnostics - not treatment. How about that for brilliant insurance coverage? I think infertility treatment insurance coverage ought to be federally mandated. But that's just me.

Good luck!

*ICLW*

The Patterson's said...

A lot of people have success on the first cycle...hope that's you!!

Good luck!
ICLW

cat said...

oh sweetheart...i am here for you no matter what. i am going to believe this will be successful. you are going to be a fantastic mother and i just know there is a baby waiting for you, no matter how he/she gets to you...hang in there...i know it's hard...*hug* and i also know this is something you have to feel and i won't take that from you by telling you to cheer up, etc...*hug* just know that i'm here for you....

have fun tomorrow...relax, listen to the waves and let the ocean calm you. i miss it so much some days...i have this fantasy that one day we are back in the pnw...as much as i love it here, i miss it there just as much. so say hello to the water for me..;)

i love you...always have and always will...

Celia said...

I hope it works for you. As scared as I am about the coming treatments not working, I will admit to feeling very ready to be done.

Brandie said...

With everything thats on your mind, I'm glad you and your hubby had a nice relaxing day today. Sounds like you have nice things planned for tomorrow, too.

Lisa said...

I have POAS after trigger just to see a positive too : (

You just have to try and remain as hopeful as possible (I know harder said then done) and know that this IVF is going to bring you a baby!!!

Best of luck to you!!!

HAPPY ICLW : )

Mr. Shelby said...

Good luck. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. We're here for you no matter what!

Hang in there.

-Mr. Shelby

Chele said...

Hugs! I know a few people that conceived their first round. You hadn't had surgery yet when you did the other cycles and that has to put more odds on your side. Keeping everything crossed for you and sending you lots of ++++++ vibes. Let me know if you want me to send you some lucky HPTS. lol

Clare said...

Beginning IVF seems so stressful, so much is riding on it. It's so typical that stress affects our fertility and the outcomes of these treatments, but how can we not be stressed when its this important?? Enjoy your day at the beach, i love walks and time spent together, it's so important through this whole IF journey. I wrote a post about it a few weeks back too: http://thepitter-patter.blogspot.com/2009/04/stayin-loved-up.html

Guera! said...

I hope this works for you too. I actually saw a positive pregnancy test result on a lab report after I went to the ER in a lot of pain. Although it was a thrill to see it I knew it was from the HCG shot I had just taken that evening.

Fat Chick said...

Good luck on your cycle! I'm rooting for you!!!

ICLW

VelvetMinxx said...

I am saying HUGE, serious prayers for you and I never say that.

Please stick, little bean!!!

I know it seems easy for me to say this, but the way I get through situations is to accept all outcomes in advance. After the IVF, it's out of your hands.

PS- I POAS after trigger shots too, I just wanted to see the lines so bad.

C Lo said...

I'll keep my fingers crossed. I think it's your turn, too.

Portland, OR?

Word Nerd said...

I know how you feel. I've been planning so much for our future ... when we have kids. We already bought the house that's too big for two, thinking it wouldn't take this long.

We're getting ready for our first IVF, too. I hope one is all you need! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
~C
ICLW