A little better...

I am feeling better, thanks in HUGE part to the comments you all have given me :) I didn't know this would be as hard as it is. I have done IUI 3x, I have been in the TWW countless times, but this is different.

This time I know for a fact I have embryos in me. Whether or not they have implanted I don't know. But I know that I have tried.

I haven't felt nearly the same discomfort I felt between the ER and the ET. I have been moody and a little depressed. I am trying to convince myself this has worked, but then I think it hasn't. Nothing else has worked, why should this?

But then I listen to people like R*, a coworker. I told her about what was going on and every time I say "I hope this works", she gets "mad" (not mad) and says "don't say that! Say that you know it worked and keep those positive thoughts! you have a baby or 2 in there, don't forget that".

Every once in a while I feel a little twinge in my uterus. not often, but I did feel it on the way home. Every time I feel it, I ask aloud, "is that you, little one?" Because if it is, I want him/her/them to know my voice and know that mommy loves them dearly and always will, no matter what.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Overwhelmed

I don't know if it's the drugs, the bedrest, or what but I am feeling completely overwhelmed right now. I don't think I want to talk about this whole experience until there is something to talk about.

I've updated all I know, and I know I won't have anything else until next week. I don't want to over-analyze symptoms, talk about how I'm feeling, etc because frankly I will drive myself nuts. Also my feelings physical and emotional change at the drop of a hat, so I don't know how much real truth there is in "how I feel". Just know I'm excited, scared, happy, depressed, in pain, feel just fine... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel so I will just feel it all. Or nothing. Or some. I don't know.

I just want to believe this has worked and let it be.

the rice cakes Updated

That's what Josh calls them... I hope they are getting all nestled in :) I get a report on the rest tomorrow... The one on the right is a slightly higher grade than the left, but both are excellent...

UPDATE

Got a call from the embryologist - 2 more made it to freeze! I asked her what grade they were and she said they don't freeze anything lower than a 1, which is perfect....

I can't wait til I am able to get out of bed.. my back is killing me. I am able to lie on my back, side, or stomach but I cannot have my head elevated higher than 2 pillows. I can elevate my legs which helps! All for my little rice cakes. I am already in-love :)

All done

2 beautiful blasts. 5 more might make it to freeze. I'm on Valium so I'm going back to sleep. Photos later :)

Strange or Normal? TMI edition

I am sure this is all about the drugs I am taking (estrace, baby asprin, doxycycline, medrol,prenatal, and PIO shots.... I think that's it), but I have the weirdest pains. My uterus feels full like I am going to have a doozy of an AF or like I have to pee. It is actually uncomfortable to walk around, even at work. Anyone else have this feeling? Last check on my lining was 11.5mm and I have been in triple pattern for a while now, so I would imagine I have a nice thick lining now since that was last Sunday. So that's it, right?

My boobs hurt too, I know that has everything to do with the PIO shots. Speaking of which...

I have had 2 shots so far. Josh is a pro at giving them to me and they don't hurt so far. But the whole idea that they are going to start hurting freaks me out a bit. josh makes sure I don't see the needle at all, he waits until my back is turned and my eyes are closed before he takes the cap off. So sweet :)

So my embies have been incubating for 3 days now. They should have 8 perfect cells and all snug in their petri dish beds, waiting for their home on Sunday. Tomorrow they should begin compacting and by Sunday morning be blastocysts.

Still babies to me...

The embryologist hasn't called me about them or how they are doing. I take it as "no news is good news".

I guess we will find out Sunday morning!

I will most likely not have an update until Tuesday. I will be on bedrest for 48 hours following the transfer and I don't think my notebook computer on my lap will be a good idea. Well, maybe a little update from my phone... But I will post pictures of the embies when I can. As Katie calls them "baby's first picture", which I love...

Fertility Report

Just got off the phone whith the embryologist. I was expecting 15 mature and around 12 to fertilize.

It's better than that.

I got 18 mature and 17 fertilized!!!

So I am hoping at least half to grow to blast stage. I'm stoked :)

BUT it's quality over quantity. I'm hoping for some good quality embies. With Josh's swimmer report I am fairly confident. So it all lies with the egg quality I've given.

So far so good, right?

Quick update

All done. I'm so sore right now, but so happy. Dr says he got 20 eggs and I will get a call tonight on how many are mature. Tomorrow I will get a fertilization report and then I go back Sunday morning for the transfer. Ok so I'm exhausted now. Thanks for all of the well wishes, it's nice to know I have lots of Internet buddies who care :)

Is it hormonal in here or is it just me?

So today I had the height of my emotional, um, issues? instability? whatever, I was emotional.

Boss was at my store. I had a HUGE floorset last night and was at my store until almost 1am. I knew the floorset still needed work. So my boss didn't exactly ream me over it, not mean, just assertive about it. I can usually handle that and take criticism very well. I am NOT a cry-er. Especially at work. But today... well, I lost it. I mean lost it. I couldn't stop crying. My boss was feeling bad and I had to explain to her that it had nothing to do with what she was telling me, I got it and I agreed with her completely. I told her it was hormones, and then I said it. I told her I had my ER tomorrow and told her that I have been shooting myself with all kinds of hormones for the last week or so and it made me emotional.

Surprisingly, she understood. I was surprised. She of course went back to the workrelated issues, but she understood why I had struggled and why I was emotional.

Unfortunately all of the salty tears affected my vision, and ultimately my contact lens, which tore towards the end of the day. So driving home was scary.

Anyway, It all got me thinking... maybe if this does work I should step down to assistant manager instead of store manager. Less stress. Less responsibility. BUT less money. But it may be worth it....

Then again, it could be my hormones talking.

Josh gave me my HCG shot last night. He had no problem what-so-ever doing it too. I think he actually enjoyed it... Did I mention I was at my store all evening? Yeah, so since it's against company policy to have a non-employee in the store after hours (much less a friend/relative/spouse) we had to meet somewhere. So where do you meet to get a shot at 9pm? A bar? not that kind of shot.

We met up by my car in the 8-story-downtown-Portland-parking garage.

Yes, that's right. My husband shot me in the a$$ in a parking garage. No, nobody was there.

And I don't think I am the first person to inject something in that parking garage. I mean, it IS downtown Portland...

ER scheduled for 8am tomorrow morning, I have to be there at 7:15. Wish me luck ;)

Trigger happy...

So I am ready to trigger. I can't believe I am already up to this point!! I have had 5 or 6 dr visits in the last week, and today I have follies that measure 16mm-21mm. So Josh gets to trigger me at 9pm tonight. Oh yeah, I also have to work tonight rearranging the store, so Josh gets to come to my work to do it. We don't really have a choice though, I can't do it myself (I don't think anyway, I am gonna google it..) and I don't have anyone there who could do it for me. Plus that would be weird....

Dr says he will most likely have 21-23 eggs to retreive, I am hoping there will be at least 10 mature. ER will be bright and early Tuesday morning! We have to be there by 7:15am, retreival is at 8, I will be able to go home by around 9:30. I think Josh will only take a half day since I will be on bedrest and sleeping most of the day anyway. I also have Wednesday off to rest as well.

My boss was at my store yesterday and although I didn't tell her exactly what was going on, I did tell her I had to be out Tuesday for a "procedure". she had mentioned she would be at my store Tuesday so I had to say something.

I have been pretty exhausted and emotional too. Yesterday Josh and I were talking about something lame and I for some reasons burst into tears. I was telling him I was sorry for crying, I felt so stupid about it, he just hugged me and said he understood. It was ridiculous...but these lovely hormones surging through me make me do strange things...

Ok back to watching The Cramps perform on an old episode of BH90210.. The Cramps? at the Peach Pit with Dylan, Brandon, Kelly, Steve, and Donna? REALLY?!

What do you know about pressure?

Sorry, that's a line from Ace Ventura, hissed by what's-her-face.

Anyway, If Optimist, Then got it right in the comments to the previous post. I'm starting to feel the pressure and the pain of my ovaries becoming the size of cantaloupes. Well maybe not that big but still uncomfortable. Which tells me the follies are still growing - yay! And it tells me there are probably still lots of them. All good signs.

I've also been incredibly exhausted and wanting sweets, like chocolate. Is tuis normal?

MIL and FIL left yesterday. It was nice to see them, they are pleasant. I had to put all of my meds in a cooler in my room though, but I'm ok with them knowing if they did figure it out. Just please don't talk about it and don't ask questions. I have always felt like if I wanted to talk about it I will on my own accord. It's a touchy subject, ya know?

I have another dr appt tomorrow and then I get to set all of the windows at my store. If you take a look at retail clothing displays you will see the work involved. Luckily though I have a couple of others coming in to work in them so all I really have to do is delegate and direct. Fine with me :)

Oh and another appt Sun and most likely Mon. Then on to ER, fert report, and ET with a hopeful freeze in there.... Who knew trying to have a baby would be so complicated???

Awkward.

So my car started this morning. Whew. But I still have a major issue with the radiator reservoir. Did I spell that right? Anyway, it has a leak so I think there's this stuff you cam put in it to make it stop. Otherwise I'm out some cash.

FIL took me to my appt anyway. Yeah. Well it wasn't so bad. We talked about life and what we've been up to on the way. Then I had him drop me off at the corner of the hospital and he went to star.bucks down the street. I told him it was a routine checkup from my last surgery. So got out of that conversation :)

The dr is still guessing Tuesday or Wednesday for ER. Perfect for work, I can hide it pretty easily. I still have about 25 of the original 34 follies, largest measuring 13. We are on our way!!

10 minute warning

The whole "wait ten minutes and it won't sting as much" thing... yeah, total lie.. It still hurt.

I have an appointment tomorrow that I think my father in law will have to take me to. Cuz GUESS WHAT? my car died today. I hope the conversation isn't too uncomfortable...

It began to overheat on the way home, I had to abandon it in a parking lot near my house and call Josh in a frantic panic. I have never ever had car issues. Well, not to the extent of stalling and trying to start it only to see steam/smoke/I don't know coming from the hood. So early tomorrow morning I will go over to my sweet, sad car and try putting some water and oil in it in the hopes it will start again. If not, well, I'm screwed.

Tomorrow is Josh's birthday. He may be getting me a car for his birthday. boo....

BUT at least I have the option of taking the train into work if need be. So that's cool.

So far so good!

Estradiol is at 261, which is appropriate for this time into the process. I am still at 112.5 of gonal-f and one vial of menopur a day, plus 5 ml of lupron. I asked the nurse if there was anything to take the sting out of the menopur, she said to let the mixture sit for 10 minutes before injecting. I tell you, the menopur is my least favorite of the injections, but worth it in the end :)

Dr says the ER will probably be Monday or Tuesday of next week. I am praying for Tuesday, that way I can hide all of this from my boss. If it isn't then, I will have to tell her that I am having another "procedure". I hate those conversations.

And I was so right about Katie!!! Congratulations!! And a special congrats to Lauren!! There have been more BFPs in the last couple of weeks than I can ever recall!

Relax, it's just a little pinch

I did my first Menopur shot this morning. I have to say I was pretty nervous about it. I have done a million shots and never had to actually mix it. But I did it and have a nice red welt to prove it. The needle is thicker that what I am used to, so I imagine I will have a few marks on my tummy after the ten-ish days I do them. I kinda hurt but no biggie.

Josh and I went to the Farmers Market today. I got all sorts of yummy fruits and veggies plus found more flavored honey sticks 7 for $1. So I bought 28. At Made in Oregon (a store in and around Portland) they are 5 for $2. So I say I got a deal. If you haven't had them yet, you should find some. I know they are online, just search for "honey sticks" or "honey straws". Delish :)

While coming back from the market Josh and I got to talking about our ivf deal. We figured out we have so far spent around 6 grand on medical expenses this year. I keep hoping that it will work and talk like it will, but then Josh asked me if I was ready for a negative result if we got it. I immediately said no. How could I ever be ready for it? I'm not even ready for a positive result. I have no idea what my reaction will be to my beta, good or bad. For now I just have to do what I have to do. And pray.

So hopefully I will join the ranks of Breeder Beware, Best When Used By, and Jason and Amber, all of whom recently got their prayers answered. And Katie, it's your turn too :) It's almost Monday, girlie!

Clear for takeoff

My doctor appointment went well. Whew!! I am nice and suppressed for beginning my stims on Saturday. He did lower my gonal-f dose to 112.5 instead of 150 due to how many follies I have. So far there are 19 on my left and 15 on my right. So 34 potential eggs in there. Obviously I won't get them all but half would be great!

So over the first hurdle. Next appointment is Monday morning...

My bruise is looking better, now more of an eggplant shade then black. Actually I think I have an eyeshadow this color...

Last night I was working late doing an update for my store and had to bring my meds with me. I decided to prep the syringe ahead of time and fill it with the 10mg of Lupron and just take that. I stuck it in a baggie with my dexamethesone and doxycycline (as well as an alcohol prep) and smuggled it in my sunglass case. There are 2 people who know what's going on, it's only on an as-needed basis. One is one of my assistants who asked for the weekend of my potential ET off. I had to tell her that it may not happen due to my deal. the second is one of my associates. We got to talking about TTC and I opened up to her on how difficult it has been for Josh and I. But they are the only ones who know...

I figured if someone knew I would have an ally (or 2) when the time comes. I would have my shifts at work covered with a knowing silent understanding of why.

I have my suppression check on Thursday, bright and early... this is the first time I am praying for low numbers!! if all is well I will begin Gonal-F Saturday. Eek, it's really happening, isn't it?!

I have the weekend off too, my first in a while. I am not sure what Josh and I are doing for the weekend, I want to go to the Farmer's Market, then maybe the beach or Seattle... just a bit of relaxing. But that may not happen due to the possibility of in-laws here.

I'm a little scared that this isn't going to work. I hear so many people say the first IVF is almost like a practice run. Any success stories on IVF #1 working that anyone can share to make my nerves a bit calmer??

Whoops

I was doing my injection last night (affectionately called "shooting up" with Josh and I) and I apparently hit a blood vessel. Has anyone done this? I have a purple bruise the size of a quarter on the right side of my tummy. Doesn't hurt, but it sure isn't pretty to look at. I knew something happened when I pulled the needle out and a bead of blood came out. Then it was kind of stinging and felt hard, so I just massaged the area. Maybe shouldn't have done that?

So I have my first ivf injury. I feel like it's a badge of honor :)

Side note: any of you watch So You Think You Can Dance? I wasn't thrilled with the judges decision on who got kicked off, were you?

This is gonna be a long 4 weeks...

So I started my meds (as you know) and they are ok for now. The lupron shot isn't so bad, but the needle it a teeny bit bigger than the follistim shots I've done so I really have to poke. It's also causing me to bloat, which ain't pretty. And the dexamethasone is giving me some restless sleep. I took a unisom last night which helped, but it was still tough...

I was watching tv and an ad for a movie came up. My husband said "look honey, there's another Final Destination movie. In 3D". I'm a sucker for slasher films, even more for the futuristic 3D effects which are nothing like the old movies (Jaws 3D, anyone?). But 3D movies are only good in the theaters, we tried watching one on Com.cast and it sucked. But that's not the point.

The movie is coming out August 28th. Nothing interesting about the particular date, but it occured to me that I would know by then if IVF got me pregnant. I would be done with this stage. And I thought to myself, "if they are advertising movies that are after the 4 weeks I need to wait for the ER and ET, it must not be that long of time..."

I did that when I had my surgery. I gauged how long it would be before I went back to work by how far in the future I could go in my DVR and TV listings. When I began seeing "April 26" I knew I didn't have a lot of time to lay around and do nothing..

My TV listings go up to July 23rd. So about a week shy of where I want it to be...

As far as work goes, well, work is work. A lot of weirdness and some potential drama I get to nip in the bud today. Oh, those conversations are so... let's just say I am not looking forward to it....

Today...

... Is the first day of the rest of my life.
... You have 100% of your life left.
... I started my IVF preparations.

I like the last one the best.

This morning I knocked 4 pills down my gullet, tonight I will get 2 more plus start my 10mg Lupron injections.

I can't believe it's actually happening. It's here. It's not being postponed because of surgeries or money or timing with work. In 3 to 4 short weeks I will be having eggs retreived. 5 days after that will be the transfer. I hope that is.

It's hard not to get my hopes up. It's almost impossible to think about the future without a little one to care for.

So here it is. I'm on the train, heading toward my destination of motherhood.

I hope I don't miss my stop....

One down...

So the above mentioned pharmacy made good on some of the meds. Mister FedEx woke me up at 10am (hey, I worked late the night before) yesterday. I got PIO, baby asprin, prenatals, and a few other medications, basically everything but gonal-f, novarel, and lupron. So fine. You aren't as sucky as I thought. I was just in a mood. Boo.

The new pharmacy hadn't called me so I called them this morning to set it all up. Good news? They can deliver next Wednesday and don't need a signature in case mister fed ex gets to my door after I leave for work. He will leave it on my doorstep, which is pretty well hidden so yay for me :) the bad news? If they eff it up I may be screwed because they are closed Friday thru Monday for 4th of July. 4 days?? Really? That last time I got 4 days off was due to being cut open abdominally. So the employees there have a pretty good racket.

My company on the other hand screwed up my bonus check and only gave me half of what I was supposed to get. So we will see how long it takes to clear it up. I will just sit here and revel in the fact that my store was # 1 in the company for April, May, and most likely June. That and a dollar will get me a cup of coffee at starbucks. Oh wait, no it won't....