Wednesday, May 13, 2009

When will it all end?

As you know, I am currently in the Seattle area sans hubby. We were talking about our plan to get tattoos today. Well, I was supposed to meet with the artist this evening but it took me nearly 3 hours to get home due to traffic and torrential downpour, so I missed the appointment.

I don't know why I have such a guilty strain in my DNA but I do. I was supposed to go with my SIL, but I actually felt guilty that I got stuck on the freeway. Like it was my fault. And that's where it started.

I cannot meet with the artist, and SIL doesn't know what to tell this guy about what I want. Ok, I get that. So I told DH that maybe I just won't get it and he can get his. Then I started talking financials, it got me thinking about the $3K I need to give my RE in a month and before I knew it the tears were pouring.

I never never talk about the IVF thing out loud except to my DH, and even that is not as often as it should be. I babble on and on here because I find it easy to write about but nearly impossible to talk about. I also know most of you who read this understand to an extent what I am going through. But not one person I know IRL has ever gone to the magnitude that I have. I know no one in my personal life who has had to stick needles in themselves in a futile attempt to get pregnant. No one I know has had a major surgery just to up the chances of conceiving by miniscule percentages.

Sure I know MANY who have had problems conceiving. But each of these people I know were able to and have one beautiful child or more. It was a hard process for them, I am absolutely not downplaying the heartache that they have encountered, believe me, I have been there. My problem is I am still there and I feel like I am in a deep hole and unable to get out. There is a pinpoint of light, but I have no idea how to get to it. I have tried to claw my way up and the only thing I have to show for it are bruises.

I am so sorry if I have offended anyone with this post. It was absolutely not my intention.

I think I am just tired of dealing with this. I am tired of the stupid things people say to either downplay the whole ordeal or try to understand how I feel. I feel like I have been through a war so far. I don't need the sympathy, I need this to be over once and for all. And I am tired of people not appreciating what they have.

And I don't know how the subject of a tattoo ended with a breakdown. This whole fertility thing is my life, Everything I do and everything I feel is interwoven with threads of being denied my divine right as a woman. So no matter what I do or say or think, it will always have a note of infertility.

Everything reminds me of the fact I am infertile. And that sucks...


Coco said...

I wish I had some wise, magic words that would make the hurt go away. I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I'm here if you need anything, just let me know.

The Patterson's said...

You are certainly not alone!! Hopefully our journeys will be over SOON!

Lauren said...


Best When Used By said...

We're here for you...and we do understand. It's a lonely road we travel and I've had many of the same feelings you expressed today. It would be nice if people IRL could grasp how we feel, but I'm not holding my breath.

I think you're great, you're brave and you're going to make it. That's why I wanted to nominate you for a Sisterhood Award. We're like a silent sorority, and the initiation is pure hell. When you can, go take a look at my blog site to see your nomination.

Anonymous said...


check my blog (but don't feel obligated to do it, I know these things are a bit corny) :P

cat said...

i love you...*hugs and kisses* i'm always here for you, no matter what..