This too shall pass....

So we will start off with item one:

My laptop power cord it frayed. Don't know how it happened, but now I get to shell out cash for a new one. I am currently on my dinosaur of a desktop.

Two:

Went to the IVF class last night. the needles scared the hell out of me, but I know that... this too shall pass. Josh and I giggled like kids through the whole class and made secret jokes about heroin. Keep in mind we just watched Breaking Bad the previous day. Great show. Oh, and I had found out Weeds is coming back in less that two weeks.

and the big one - THREE:

I went to my Dr today to get a sonahystagram (like an hsg, but not quite) and GUESS WHAT.. Yep, IVF officially postponed.

That's right POSTPONED. For a month.

*This too shall pass....*

My Dr found one, maybe two polyps in my uterus. So I go in to get them zapped out on Monday morning. I am not surprised in the least that my IVF has been put off again. I actually expected it. I even told Josh that I was.

When I go in early Monday morning (6am call time), I will be having the outpatient surgery. BUT I get to be put under yet again.

I had the uncomfortable task of telling my boss that I had to have surgery again BUT it's only a couple of days out instead of a few weeks.

So instead of the transfer being at the end of June, it will be at the end of July. One more month... just another month...

This too shall pass, right??

I am posting from my iphone. Cool :)

Moving on... I had a bad day at work today. Being memorial day weekend it's one of the busiest of the year. Which is ok. That is, if your staff showed up on time. So my day didn't start out as planned due to this.

And I don't understand why people feel like they can be dowright mean to sales associates. I got yelled at for something a customer misunderstood. She thought we refused to ring her daughter up when in fact the daughter wasn't ready. She insisted we were wrong. Ugh whatever. And little teenage rich girls just love treating us like we are beneath them.

On the up side on the way home from work I daydreamed about taking my someday kid to the zoo and a picnic in the park thanks to a radio show I listened to called Greasy Kid Stuff (google it!). It was kid songs that were all punk and alternative. My favorite was "who put the duh in dinosaur, must have been the dumb brontosaurus". I think it was by Snow Patrol but I'm not sure. I just happened on the show because my radio dial was on 94.7 Alternative Portland. I love that station. I think you can stream it if interested.

Also my tattoo is looking good, almost healed :) for those of you who have a tattoo know that it goes through a gross ugly stage which I won't get into. It's looking prettier now.

I also have my ivf class on tuesday yay!!! I am excited but my husband is in for a nice shock I think. Especially when it comes to him injecting the meds for me.

Oh and to those who have asked, I will post pics of the new finger puppets when I finish :)

So I haven't blogged anything because I haven't really had anything to blog about. Work is fine, home is fine, dogs are fine... AF is more or less here, so I get to call my nurse today and let her know it's 2 days early. I knew she was coming because I made brownies. It's a thing I do, I don't even realize I'm doing it...I am hoping my HSG will still be ok for Wednesday. If not I will have to switch my schedule around and go Monday (most likely)... I go to an IVF class Tuesday eve... I get my meds in a week and a half (June 3) and will probably start taking them June 6th instead of 8th now. ER will be sometime around the end of June and ET probably the first week of July.

see? BO-RING....

Oh, and So You Think You Can Dance is back!!! I love that show...

I also got a commission for finger puppets - a bakery owner wants 3 for her intern. I have the Lemon Meringue Pie done (She's sassy!), almost finished with an eclair that's all business, and then on to a scary Coconut Cake Monster :) How fun! And rememeber those headbands I was gonna put up? Yeah... so I took pics with my iphone, then my iphone crashed and I lost them... boo... so new pics are on their way and I will get to them....

And HELLO ICLWers! Welcome or welcome back!

Show and tell - my new tattoo!!

Show and tell time!

I have wanted a flower on my shoulder for a long time. Not for any reason or symbolism, I have just always liked the idea. I have also a great love for all things Tim Burton. It started with the dark whimsy of Beetlejuice way back when... So I wanted to somehow mesh the 2 together and here it is! I LOVE it!!!

Here's another pic mid-tattoo...

I highly recommend Jose' from Action Tattoo in Auburn, WA. He was thorough, listened to what I wanted, and gave me a beautiful piece of artwork!!

*AND it now hurts like a bitch, but that's only temporary....

Tattoo? don't mind if I do!

I am getting a tattoo today! pics to follow :)

Sisterhood :)

So you ladies make my day. I know that anytime I am feeling terrible I can throw a post up and vent and so many of you remind me that NO! I am not alone! Even though it sucks for us to go through what we do, whether it be infertility, a crappy job, an argument with our spouse, or just waking up on the wrong side of the bed, it's nice to know we have friends everywhere.

I am so touched to be nominated for the Sisterhood award by not one, but two wonderful women. Best When Used By is a wonderful blog full of honesty, some heartache, and so much hope. She is preparing for her embryo transfer as you read this, and I wish her the best.

One Smarmy Mama also amazingly honest, funny, and shares so much of her life with the world via her blog. I just adore reading her blog because she just lets loose. I am so that way too :)

So ladies, thank you so much for this. And to everyone who has ever read my blog, please know you are appreciated. It's so nice to know someone is listening when at times I can feel so alone in this world...

Here are the guidelines for this award:

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.
2) Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
3) Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
4) Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

And without further adieu (is that right?!), and in no particular order, here are my nominees:

Am-Lo Farms - My beautiful sister! She is smart, sassy, caring, and an amazing mom to Lola, Xiola, and Jonathon. Also a doting grandma (yes GRANDMA!) to adorable little William!

Peace, Love, and Lip Gloss - funny, kind, and always supportive.Brandie is an amazing mom to little Noah and has such a warm heart!

The Watson's Random-ness - Chele has always been there cheering me on. She's a smart, sassy mom and has a beautiful soul!

Wishing, Hoping, Thinking, Praying - brutally honest with herself but always keeps a sense of humor about her experiences with the journey that is TTC. Coco never gives up on herself or those around her.

Matt and Shell - A wonderful and caring couple who, after nearly 5 years of infertility, are expecting their own bundle of joy in November. Couldn't have happened to a better family!

Just Nesting - I found her blog while researching my myomectomy. She has been through so much and shares her deepest thoughts with the world.

Pieces of My Life - Lisa, found through ICLW who is encouraging and caring. And expecting!!!!!

High Gloss and Sauce - Jenna, a new mom who keeps her rock-star quality about her! And little B is adorable. Jenna's blog is hysterical :) she has gone through tough times, but that doesn't stop her from seeing the brighter side of things... like little miss B...

Failing Gracefully - I met Amy on ivillage while she was struggling with her own infertility. She is now expecting her little darling boy and is so deserving of this.

Sandra - I love how she shares so much with us. Plus she's always around and gives amazing support to all she touches!

When will it all end?

As you know, I am currently in the Seattle area sans hubby. We were talking about our plan to get tattoos today. Well, I was supposed to meet with the artist this evening but it took me nearly 3 hours to get home due to traffic and torrential downpour, so I missed the appointment.

I don't know why I have such a guilty strain in my DNA but I do. I was supposed to go with my SIL, but I actually felt guilty that I got stuck on the freeway. Like it was my fault. And that's where it started.

I cannot meet with the artist, and SIL doesn't know what to tell this guy about what I want. Ok, I get that. So I told DH that maybe I just won't get it and he can get his. Then I started talking financials, it got me thinking about the $3K I need to give my RE in a month and before I knew it the tears were pouring.

I never never talk about the IVF thing out loud except to my DH, and even that is not as often as it should be. I babble on and on here because I find it easy to write about but nearly impossible to talk about. I also know most of you who read this understand to an extent what I am going through. But not one person I know IRL has ever gone to the magnitude that I have. I know no one in my personal life who has had to stick needles in themselves in a futile attempt to get pregnant. No one I know has had a major surgery just to up the chances of conceiving by miniscule percentages.

Sure I know MANY who have had problems conceiving. But each of these people I know were able to and have one beautiful child or more. It was a hard process for them, I am absolutely not downplaying the heartache that they have encountered, believe me, I have been there. My problem is I am still there and I feel like I am in a deep hole and unable to get out. There is a pinpoint of light, but I have no idea how to get to it. I have tried to claw my way up and the only thing I have to show for it are bruises.

I am so sorry if I have offended anyone with this post. It was absolutely not my intention.

I think I am just tired of dealing with this. I am tired of the stupid things people say to either downplay the whole ordeal or try to understand how I feel. I feel like I have been through a war so far. I don't need the sympathy, I need this to be over once and for all. And I am tired of people not appreciating what they have.

And I don't know how the subject of a tattoo ended with a breakdown. This whole fertility thing is my life, Everything I do and everything I feel is interwoven with threads of being denied my divine right as a woman. So no matter what I do or say or think, it will always have a note of infertility.

Everything reminds me of the fact I am infertile. And that sucks...

so I'm currently in Seattle (well, Maple Valley). I'm exhausted. And it's only Tuesday. I miss my husband. I miss my doggies. They are coming up this weekend and then we will caravan back down to Portland Sunday night.

I am getting excited about the possibility of writing a children's book based on my story below... (thanks Sandra!) I have no idea where to begin though! I started writing a manuscript and researching what I need to know. I used to know a children's book author but she doesn't write anymore and I haven't spoken to her in years. I used to work at a little camera store she would frequent and even photographed a couple of her jacket covers.

I guess the first step is to finish the manuscript and find an agent.

Aside from that I am back on the pill since i didn't O when I needed to. And the Pharmacy called me over the weekend to schedule delivery of my 13 medications for IVF - YAY!!! So I will have them June 3rd and will of course take the obligatory picture of them...

And it looks like "Jelly Moons" is in the lead for the finger puppet biz :) AND I have some headbands going up when I have the energy :) They are purdy too...

Show and Tell :)

Thanks to the Stirrup Queen for giving us all a little piece of our childhood back :) More show and tell HERE...

When I was little, my family and I used to go to my grandma's house in Placentia, CA all of the time. We always had fun there. Here's us... I'm the one sitting cross-legged and looking up at something ..circa 1980ish..

Anyway, there are plenty of fond memories here. One of my favorite being the spice tin that contained "love". Grandma would always open the tin and "sprinkle" love into the dinner she was making us. One day we decided to see what was in the tin. We opened it up and found it was empty. My brother and I figured that Grandma used up all of the "love". We along with my sisters got bright red construction paper and cut out little tiny hearts to fill the tin back up with love. That evening Grandma was making dinner and when she went to sprinkle the love into her palm to put it in the food, she got a surprise with all of the little red hearts that spilled out into her hand.

She kept that tin filled with our little construction paper hearts on her oven ledge for years, until she became ill with Alzheimer's and had to move out of her home. I am not sure where it is now, but I know one of us kids or mom has it. Grandma passed away nearly 4 years ago and I miss her every single day.

Today I knew she was with me. I went to a local thrift store after work on a whim and found this.

It's now sitting on my oven ledge where it will remain until I give it to one of my grandchildren someday. Maybe it will be filled with little tiny red hearts, maybe not. But it will always be a constant reminder of my beautiful Grandma and the love she put into everything she did.

It's so not gonna happen this month

So I am on CD13 with absolutely NO sign of O. Given that I will be out of town next week, if I don't O in the next 2-3 days this month is a bust. Which means that I need to be back on a new cycle in 2 weeks.

I just got off the phone with my nurse at my RE office. We discussed the start of injections (June 6), my HSG (May 27), and my egg retrieval (week 2 or 3 of June). So that's good right?

Right?

She is emailing me a calendar of it all. I am supposed to be excited. I AM excited. But now I know the reality of a natural conception has blown away in the May breeze. So that really sucks.

I do have a couple more days before I will jump start AF to remain on track.

Not alone

This week seems to be a particularly difficult one for most IF-ers. Just take a gander at my blog list to the right. I think it has to do with Mother's Day. I find it especially hard to look back at my TTC life and think I should be celebrating the day. I should be getting flowers from my husband. He should be whispering in my ear "you are a wonderful mom". My child(ren) should be making me heart-shaped pancakes and squeezing orange juice into an "I love you mom" mug. I should be getting a card signed in crayon. Instead I will wake up and make my own breakfast, call my mom to tell her how wonderful she is (and she is), and drive up to Seattle alone.

It's completely unfair. Why is it that the women who would make the best moms (yes, I am lumping myself into that category) struggle, while people like this have no problem getting pregnant.

It makes no sense.

I feel like I have all but given up hope for a non-IVF conception. It's never worked before, why should it now?

Going to Seattle...

But only for a week. I am training a new employee up there.

BUT...

It's next week...

I am on CD10 as of today. I will be going out there on or around CD15.

And my dear sweet husband is not going with me... YIKES! That might be cutting it close...

So everyone needs to send me O vibes and pray that I do O before I head up there....

This month I am charting like hell, and using OPK's. So far I've done 2 and they are both negatory. top one was today (but diluted, I was drinking water on my way home from work...)

STOP getting excited. These are OPK's, NOT Chele's lucky HPT's :) And you can say it.. they look the same...sigh...

Here's my chart if you need something to chant O vibes to:

MY CHART

I am having some little pains here and there, but it's near where I was worked on (my left side).. so it could be risidual post-surgery stuff or it could be my left ovary playing the little engine that could....

I think I can, I think, I can....

Day of cleaning and crafting :)

It's been raining all day today (Portland - what else is new?). I spent my day off cleaning my house and finishing up a bunch of finger puppets for sale on ETSY! I also am nearing completion of that wall sculpture I have been working off and on for a few weeks. It's looking pretty cool... Josh thinks I need to sell it but I am kind of liking it for myself :)

I also have some headbands which I need to have someone model before I get them on to Etsy. Here's an example of one:

Modeled by the sweet and lovely Leah, who is also the new proud owner of said headband...

Josh also decided to confiscate a finger puppet for himself which he is calling "Sinister Banana". As Brandi says, bananas are evil and this one is no exception...

Josh thinks this banana is evil and has definitely killed before...

Oh, and PLEASE vote on a business name for me :) This is only for the felt products, I will keep the jewelry and such on Etsy... See voting on the right..

Jealous....

So I know you all know how I feel when I say I am insanely jealous of the ladies who read my blog/I read their blog who are in their IVF cycle. I am green with envy! Of course I wish you all the best of luck and I want to see all of those fabulous BFP blogs in the next 2-4 weeks ffrom you all. I want you ALL to succeed because it give me more hope that I will succeed...

I want to succeed sooo bad.

See, my IVF cycle was supposed to be last year. I was supposed to be happily pregnant right now. But God had other plans and decided to push it all back. Now the days seem to be going by so slowly and in the back (read - front) of my mind I wonder if there will be another obstacle that will push it back even more. It sucks. And I know each and every one of you have had those thoughts and know how I feel. I know you don't take it as me being a bitch because I am jealous.

I want to give a very special shout out to my new blog buddy Lisa and congratulate her on her exciting news! I know each and every one of you will get that same news very soon. I hope to GOD I can join you!

I also want to give another shout to my dog Lucy who decided while I was at work yesterday to jump on the counter and pull down a 3 lb container of organic oatmeal. Which prompted me to sweep my kitchen. And she got some fiber. I will leave it at that.

One more thing, I need a name for my finger puppet business. "Lucy and Molly"? "Jelly Moons"? (ok, so if you anagram Molly Jones (black lab) it comes out "jelly moons". We discovered this 2 years ago and she's been "Jelly" ever since). "Lucy Goosey"? Or maybe I should leave the dogs out of it alltogether...


*Side note - DH said maybe "Lucy Fur" but that's not very kid friendly... funny, but a little scary...