A little better...

I am feeling better, thanks in HUGE part to the comments you all have given me :) I didn't know this would be as hard as it is. I have done IUI 3x, I have been in the TWW countless times, but this is different.

This time I know for a fact I have embryos in me. Whether or not they have implanted I don't know. But I know that I have tried.

I haven't felt nearly the same discomfort I felt between the ER and the ET. I have been moody and a little depressed. I am trying to convince myself this has worked, but then I think it hasn't. Nothing else has worked, why should this?

But then I listen to people like R*, a coworker. I told her about what was going on and every time I say "I hope this works", she gets "mad" (not mad) and says "don't say that! Say that you know it worked and keep those positive thoughts! you have a baby or 2 in there, don't forget that".

Every once in a while I feel a little twinge in my uterus. not often, but I did feel it on the way home. Every time I feel it, I ask aloud, "is that you, little one?" Because if it is, I want him/her/them to know my voice and know that mommy loves them dearly and always will, no matter what.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Overwhelmed

I don't know if it's the drugs, the bedrest, or what but I am feeling completely overwhelmed right now. I don't think I want to talk about this whole experience until there is something to talk about.

I've updated all I know, and I know I won't have anything else until next week. I don't want to over-analyze symptoms, talk about how I'm feeling, etc because frankly I will drive myself nuts. Also my feelings physical and emotional change at the drop of a hat, so I don't know how much real truth there is in "how I feel". Just know I'm excited, scared, happy, depressed, in pain, feel just fine... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel so I will just feel it all. Or nothing. Or some. I don't know.

I just want to believe this has worked and let it be.

Is it hormonal in here or is it just me?

So today I had the height of my emotional, um, issues? instability? whatever, I was emotional.

Boss was at my store. I had a HUGE floorset last night and was at my store until almost 1am. I knew the floorset still needed work. So my boss didn't exactly ream me over it, not mean, just assertive about it. I can usually handle that and take criticism very well. I am NOT a cry-er. Especially at work. But today... well, I lost it. I mean lost it. I couldn't stop crying. My boss was feeling bad and I had to explain to her that it had nothing to do with what she was telling me, I got it and I agreed with her completely. I told her it was hormones, and then I said it. I told her I had my ER tomorrow and told her that I have been shooting myself with all kinds of hormones for the last week or so and it made me emotional.

Surprisingly, she understood. I was surprised. She of course went back to the workrelated issues, but she understood why I had struggled and why I was emotional.

Unfortunately all of the salty tears affected my vision, and ultimately my contact lens, which tore towards the end of the day. So driving home was scary.

Anyway, It all got me thinking... maybe if this does work I should step down to assistant manager instead of store manager. Less stress. Less responsibility. BUT less money. But it may be worth it....

Then again, it could be my hormones talking.

Josh gave me my HCG shot last night. He had no problem what-so-ever doing it too. I think he actually enjoyed it... Did I mention I was at my store all evening? Yeah, so since it's against company policy to have a non-employee in the store after hours (much less a friend/relative/spouse) we had to meet somewhere. So where do you meet to get a shot at 9pm? A bar? not that kind of shot.

We met up by my car in the 8-story-downtown-Portland-parking garage.

Yes, that's right. My husband shot me in the a$$ in a parking garage. No, nobody was there.

And I don't think I am the first person to inject something in that parking garage. I mean, it IS downtown Portland...

ER scheduled for 8am tomorrow morning, I have to be there at 7:15. Wish me luck ;)

Trigger happy...

So I am ready to trigger. I can't believe I am already up to this point!! I have had 5 or 6 dr visits in the last week, and today I have follies that measure 16mm-21mm. So Josh gets to trigger me at 9pm tonight. Oh yeah, I also have to work tonight rearranging the store, so Josh gets to come to my work to do it. We don't really have a choice though, I can't do it myself (I don't think anyway, I am gonna google it..) and I don't have anyone there who could do it for me. Plus that would be weird....

Dr says he will most likely have 21-23 eggs to retreive, I am hoping there will be at least 10 mature. ER will be bright and early Tuesday morning! We have to be there by 7:15am, retreival is at 8, I will be able to go home by around 9:30. I think Josh will only take a half day since I will be on bedrest and sleeping most of the day anyway. I also have Wednesday off to rest as well.

My boss was at my store yesterday and although I didn't tell her exactly what was going on, I did tell her I had to be out Tuesday for a "procedure". she had mentioned she would be at my store Tuesday so I had to say something.

I have been pretty exhausted and emotional too. Yesterday Josh and I were talking about something lame and I for some reasons burst into tears. I was telling him I was sorry for crying, I felt so stupid about it, he just hugged me and said he understood. It was ridiculous...but these lovely hormones surging through me make me do strange things...

Ok back to watching The Cramps perform on an old episode of BH90210.. The Cramps? at the Peach Pit with Dylan, Brandon, Kelly, Steve, and Donna? REALLY?!

10 minute warning

The whole "wait ten minutes and it won't sting as much" thing... yeah, total lie.. It still hurt.

I have an appointment tomorrow that I think my father in law will have to take me to. Cuz GUESS WHAT? my car died today. I hope the conversation isn't too uncomfortable...

It began to overheat on the way home, I had to abandon it in a parking lot near my house and call Josh in a frantic panic. I have never ever had car issues. Well, not to the extent of stalling and trying to start it only to see steam/smoke/I don't know coming from the hood. So early tomorrow morning I will go over to my sweet, sad car and try putting some water and oil in it in the hopes it will start again. If not, well, I'm screwed.

Tomorrow is Josh's birthday. He may be getting me a car for his birthday. boo....

BUT at least I have the option of taking the train into work if need be. So that's cool.

My bruise is looking better, now more of an eggplant shade then black. Actually I think I have an eyeshadow this color...

Last night I was working late doing an update for my store and had to bring my meds with me. I decided to prep the syringe ahead of time and fill it with the 10mg of Lupron and just take that. I stuck it in a baggie with my dexamethesone and doxycycline (as well as an alcohol prep) and smuggled it in my sunglass case. There are 2 people who know what's going on, it's only on an as-needed basis. One is one of my assistants who asked for the weekend of my potential ET off. I had to tell her that it may not happen due to my deal. the second is one of my associates. We got to talking about TTC and I opened up to her on how difficult it has been for Josh and I. But they are the only ones who know...

I figured if someone knew I would have an ally (or 2) when the time comes. I would have my shifts at work covered with a knowing silent understanding of why.

I have my suppression check on Thursday, bright and early... this is the first time I am praying for low numbers!! if all is well I will begin Gonal-F Saturday. Eek, it's really happening, isn't it?!

I have the weekend off too, my first in a while. I am not sure what Josh and I are doing for the weekend, I want to go to the Farmer's Market, then maybe the beach or Seattle... just a bit of relaxing. But that may not happen due to the possibility of in-laws here.

I'm a little scared that this isn't going to work. I hear so many people say the first IVF is almost like a practice run. Any success stories on IVF #1 working that anyone can share to make my nerves a bit calmer??

This too shall pass....

So we will start off with item one:

My laptop power cord it frayed. Don't know how it happened, but now I get to shell out cash for a new one. I am currently on my dinosaur of a desktop.

Two:

Went to the IVF class last night. the needles scared the hell out of me, but I know that... this too shall pass. Josh and I giggled like kids through the whole class and made secret jokes about heroin. Keep in mind we just watched Breaking Bad the previous day. Great show. Oh, and I had found out Weeds is coming back in less that two weeks.

and the big one - THREE:

I went to my Dr today to get a sonahystagram (like an hsg, but not quite) and GUESS WHAT.. Yep, IVF officially postponed.

That's right POSTPONED. For a month.

*This too shall pass....*

My Dr found one, maybe two polyps in my uterus. So I go in to get them zapped out on Monday morning. I am not surprised in the least that my IVF has been put off again. I actually expected it. I even told Josh that I was.

When I go in early Monday morning (6am call time), I will be having the outpatient surgery. BUT I get to be put under yet again.

I had the uncomfortable task of telling my boss that I had to have surgery again BUT it's only a couple of days out instead of a few weeks.

So instead of the transfer being at the end of June, it will be at the end of July. One more month... just another month...

This too shall pass, right??

When will it all end?

As you know, I am currently in the Seattle area sans hubby. We were talking about our plan to get tattoos today. Well, I was supposed to meet with the artist this evening but it took me nearly 3 hours to get home due to traffic and torrential downpour, so I missed the appointment.

I don't know why I have such a guilty strain in my DNA but I do. I was supposed to go with my SIL, but I actually felt guilty that I got stuck on the freeway. Like it was my fault. And that's where it started.

I cannot meet with the artist, and SIL doesn't know what to tell this guy about what I want. Ok, I get that. So I told DH that maybe I just won't get it and he can get his. Then I started talking financials, it got me thinking about the $3K I need to give my RE in a month and before I knew it the tears were pouring.

I never never talk about the IVF thing out loud except to my DH, and even that is not as often as it should be. I babble on and on here because I find it easy to write about but nearly impossible to talk about. I also know most of you who read this understand to an extent what I am going through. But not one person I know IRL has ever gone to the magnitude that I have. I know no one in my personal life who has had to stick needles in themselves in a futile attempt to get pregnant. No one I know has had a major surgery just to up the chances of conceiving by miniscule percentages.

Sure I know MANY who have had problems conceiving. But each of these people I know were able to and have one beautiful child or more. It was a hard process for them, I am absolutely not downplaying the heartache that they have encountered, believe me, I have been there. My problem is I am still there and I feel like I am in a deep hole and unable to get out. There is a pinpoint of light, but I have no idea how to get to it. I have tried to claw my way up and the only thing I have to show for it are bruises.

I am so sorry if I have offended anyone with this post. It was absolutely not my intention.

I think I am just tired of dealing with this. I am tired of the stupid things people say to either downplay the whole ordeal or try to understand how I feel. I feel like I have been through a war so far. I don't need the sympathy, I need this to be over once and for all. And I am tired of people not appreciating what they have.

And I don't know how the subject of a tattoo ended with a breakdown. This whole fertility thing is my life, Everything I do and everything I feel is interwoven with threads of being denied my divine right as a woman. So no matter what I do or say or think, it will always have a note of infertility.

Everything reminds me of the fact I am infertile. And that sucks...

Not alone

This week seems to be a particularly difficult one for most IF-ers. Just take a gander at my blog list to the right. I think it has to do with Mother's Day. I find it especially hard to look back at my TTC life and think I should be celebrating the day. I should be getting flowers from my husband. He should be whispering in my ear "you are a wonderful mom". My child(ren) should be making me heart-shaped pancakes and squeezing orange juice into an "I love you mom" mug. I should be getting a card signed in crayon. Instead I will wake up and make my own breakfast, call my mom to tell her how wonderful she is (and she is), and drive up to Seattle alone.

It's completely unfair. Why is it that the women who would make the best moms (yes, I am lumping myself into that category) struggle, while people like this have no problem getting pregnant.

It makes no sense.

I feel like I have all but given up hope for a non-IVF conception. It's never worked before, why should it now?

Seattle? NOW?!

So a little background... I used to live in California and my SIL lived pretty close. Then she up and moved to the Seattle area. DH and I came up to visit the family and fell in love with the Pacific Northwest. So I asked for a transfer at my job, the closest they could get me to Seattle was Portland. I'll TAKE it!

Fast forward 3 years. Found an amazing doctor, work with an amazing team, I am happy. going to IVF very soon. And I get this phone call... from my boss...

boss: "I want you to take over a store up in Seattle. I know you've always wanted to live there so I thought you can take it. It's higher volume and needs someone strong."

me: "Umm, errr, Wha?!" And thinking, CRAP, why now?

boss: "It's a great opportunity and we really need you. And the company won't pay for the move"

me: "I can't afford to move 200 miles away to another state. I have a financial agenda and used my savings to pay off bills so I can buy a house in a year"

boss: "How much can a move be? Can't you just charge it?"

me: thinking - *I would still have to pay for it if I charged it...* "When I moved to Portland it cost almost $4000. I don't have that. Call me in September if you still need me there"

She does have someone there, but only every other week. It's complicated. Plus she lives in Hawaii where a move is renting a uhaul for $20 and driving across the island (unless you move to another island, but even then it ain't $ grand). Not to a whole other state.

So, yeah, good timing....but at least I am considered "strong"....

My dog won't let me sleep...

Lucy (yellow lab) had some issues last night (salt water related). She has a sensitive stomach and can go into these weird gagging fits. It's rare, but when it happens, watch out. She woke me up at around 3am with a terrible noise after I had been asleep for merely 2 hours. She was shaky and having violent hiccups (which sounds weird I know) and the only thing that calmed her down was jumping up into my bed and snuggling right next to me. Once she did that she was happy and asleep.

Too bad I wasn't.

I didn't go back to sleep, not the true deep sleep that makes you feel refreshed and alive when you get up. ohhh no. I got the "close-your-eyes-and-pretend-you-are-sleeping-in-hopes-you-trick-yourself-into-really-going-to-sleep" sleep. Never works. As I am blogging my DH is blissfully snoring (loudly) next to me. *sigh*

And before you say "take her to the vet PRONTO" I've done that. She has absolutely nothing wrong with her, she just apparently has a sensitive tummy and reacts by gagging. Nice, huh? She's also allergic to wheat, corn, chicken, beef, and just about everything else you can think of. Oh, and pollen. So this time of year is awesome for her....

Oh, and so is Molly (black lab). Plus she's got a salt-water-ear-infection....

My poor doggies...

I did have my 2nd day back at work today. That's another story altogether.

On a positive note, AF arrived Sunday so I am officially in my "worth a shot" cycle. I wanted to start temping but see above. Hopefully I will get my sleep tonight to get an accurate read tomorrow morning.

And another YAY - a dear friend gave me some pointers on selling my finger puppets and other wares. Today, etsy. Tomorrow, THE WORLD :)

Good/bad day...

While I sit here typing, I can't help but think about my impending IVF cycle. I am so scared. I am not afraid of the injections, the retreival, the transfer. I am scared to death it won't work.

This is our only shot. My insurance covers up to $10K of fertility treatments. This treatment will cost about that much. I can't afford another one. I have gone through so much and I feel like if it doesn't work I am out of resources. We can do maybe one FET, but that's if we have any embies to freeze. I usually don't have a problem producing eggs with medical intervention. I respond well to injections. At least I did. My injection cycles were interesting. First one I was 'shooting up" 14 days, progressing from 75UI at first ten 100UI towards the end. 2nd one was only 8 days, but I surged on my own and had to rush the IUI. 3rd cycle was 7 days, and again, I started surging early.

Each of these resulted in negatives.

I actually POASed after my trigger shot once just to *see* 2 lines. How sad is that? I had never seen them in person, I wanted to know what they looked like. I am deathly afraid that I will never see that *for real*.

Now I know IVF is different from injection cycles, but that's all I have to go by.

I am planning my entire life and future around the possibility of having a baby. Everything I do right now is only for the benefit of my potential future child. If it doesn't work...

Ugh. I don't want to think about it.

On to the better part of the day. DH and I took a nice long walk with our doggies and just enjoyed each other's company. So much of our time is either spent away form eachother, asleep, or watching something on tv. Tomorrow we are driving out to the beach for the day, and I am so looking forward to it.

The dogs will have fun too..

"Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be so hard"

I just put my TTC timeline into the margin of my blog. Holy CRAP I have been through a lot. It's didn't really hit me until I began typing it all out. It's really difficult to read it all and think that it's me. It's my TTC life. What happened??? Why do I go to sites like this and think "why do they get to experience this and I can't?" Then I go to sites like Lori's, Heather's, and Coco's and know I am not alone in this. But I feel alone. I am sad, angry, hurt, fed up, and just plain tired.

I have my IVF cycle coming up in July. Josh and I decided to try one last natural cycle in May before that. I am on BCP right now because a) I am hoping it will tell my ovaries to produce next month, and b) my dr. forbade any activity for 6 weeks after my surgery, so we couldn't do anything anyway... I have also gone mostly organic with the exception of the occasional Cadbury Creme Egg because they are just delish and you can only have them at Easter...

I was perusing another infertility site earlier, she had quotes from the song "Scientist" by Coldplay. They really hit home for me, so I invite you listen for yourself.

Why does it have to be so difficult!!

So last week I got pulled over, the first time ever in the history of me driving. My registration was out. It's out because I can't pass my smog test due to a check engine light on my dash that's been there forever now. The cop was nice enough and told me to try disconnecting my battery for a few minutes to reset the computer and guess what - IT TOTALLY WORKED! It didn't stop her from giving me a $200 ticket though... Now I need to go to Oregon's DEQ (Dept of Environmental Quality). BUT now my brake light is flashing... I am thinking it's just low fluid, but with my luck it's probably a $500 job. Plus I probably won't pass my smog check and will have to pay another grand. Cool. Will I EVER begin saving for my dream home?

Day 7 or "I want to be back to normal now"...

Today I woke up and had a terrible pain in my tummy, just to the left of my incision. The skin is completely numb, it pain was really deep, kind of like a hard pinch or stab. I had an appointment with my Dr today so he checked it to make sure it wasn't a tear, thankfully it wasn't. He prescribed me more painkillers (THANK YOU!) and sent me on my way. I will go back to see him in June unless I have more discomfort....

Josh took my sister and nephew to the airport this morning :-( I miss them already.. Mom left on Sunday :-( and Josh goes back to work tomorrow... My house is messy and I can't clean it... I think I am going to go back to bed now*....

*sorry, I have been really emotional lately, as I said in the last post. maybe I should put up streamers for my Pity Party here... on second thought that would take a small amount of effort...

Day 5

I woke up this morning to a terrible pain, then I realized I overslept and was supposed to take my painkillers 3 hours prior. Won't do that again...

I decided I would walk to the mailbox since I hadn't gotten my mail in a week. The walk to was ok, but the walk back turned into a very slow one. I felt like my balance was all off and my tummy was hurting a lot. Luckily I had my sister and my nephew with me to brace myself on, but I felt like I was 80 years old and without my walker...

I am becoming increasingly emotional and irritable, I know that has everything to do with the hormones this surgery has stirred up.

Oh, and I also have a lovely bruise on my hand from my IV. It hurts when I wake up... When the nurse pulled the tube out of my vein blood actually spurted out so she had so apply a lot of pressure which pushed blood under my skin. The photo really doesn't do it justice...

My doggies also haven't left my side.

Pretty much the only things I do are sleep, take meds, eat a little, and watch TV. Mostly sleep though, I am in and out of it all day. I can't wait for my arty things to come in the mail. I ordered some organic felt and embroidery floss and wool so I can make some nifty things, such as finger puppets for my nephew and this. Also these.

I have a post-op visit with Dr. Bankowski on Wednesday. I think I am getting my surgical tape removed from my incision. I am still swollen quite a bit and half of my tummy is numb, which is apparently normal..

16 days... well 15 1/2 days...

... til I get cut open abdominally. Ugh, just when I am all cool with it I think of the what-ifs, such as

• "what if there's a major complication and they just take my uterus out completely?"
• "what if I get a bad infection?"
• "what if they leave something in my body that shouldn't be there?"

Obviously there are other what-ifs I am not touching on... My blood counts are good so I am low risk for a transfusion, and my sister in law surgical tech told me to tell them to "make sure you get the maliables out", apparently those are the things that hold it all open while the surgeon does his job... sorry, too much information?

So right now I am thinking of the corporate visit I am getting at my store on Thursday that I will never be ready for... and I have a whole big shopping list of things I need to get prior to going to the hospital, so that's fun (not)....

Ok, time for chocolate....

I'm not O - FU@%$&ING - kay

I had a bit of a freak out yesterday about IVF. I feel like I have been taking thise whole thingwell, but it just got to me. It's 2009. In 2001 I saw my OB/GYN about fertility. That means it's been 8 long years of a whole lot of nothing. Well, not nothing. I DID have tests, pills, injections, monitoring, lying about why I don't have kids, early morning doctor visits, IUI, and more people looking at my hoo-haw than I care to know. Most people know exactly how many ultrasounds the have had. I lost count somewhere in the 20's.

My doctor was always impressed by my positiveness each month when I went in for new tests because the last ones didn't work. Except for the first time, I never cried when I got the negative beta results back.

Now it's come down to test tubing it. And frankly, I'm scared to death.

Bomb blast in Woodburn...

Yesterday I left my house to buy my husband's guitar he wants and to stop by Sephora and the bank to make a quick deposit before work at 5pm. I made it to all places but the bank, I got stuck in traffic on the way to work so no time, so I went straight to work at 5pm. At 5:30 a concerned parent of an employee called to tell us that a bomb went off in a nearby bank and they don't know anything else... We all thought it was Wells Fargo, which is the bank we go to for work. Turns out the bomb went off at the bank I go to, West Coast Bank, the branch I opened my account at, the same one I was going to go to before work but didn't have time.

It killed one Police Officer and injured several others.... News story here...
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UPDATE...
The bomb specialist who was brought in died this morning. Woodburn Chief of Police is in critical condition... No word on who did it and why....