Is it hormonal in here or is it just me?

So today I had the height of my emotional, um, issues? instability? whatever, I was emotional.

Boss was at my store. I had a HUGE floorset last night and was at my store until almost 1am. I knew the floorset still needed work. So my boss didn't exactly ream me over it, not mean, just assertive about it. I can usually handle that and take criticism very well. I am NOT a cry-er. Especially at work. But today... well, I lost it. I mean lost it. I couldn't stop crying. My boss was feeling bad and I had to explain to her that it had nothing to do with what she was telling me, I got it and I agreed with her completely. I told her it was hormones, and then I said it. I told her I had my ER tomorrow and told her that I have been shooting myself with all kinds of hormones for the last week or so and it made me emotional.

Surprisingly, she understood. I was surprised. She of course went back to the workrelated issues, but she understood why I had struggled and why I was emotional.

Unfortunately all of the salty tears affected my vision, and ultimately my contact lens, which tore towards the end of the day. So driving home was scary.

Anyway, It all got me thinking... maybe if this does work I should step down to assistant manager instead of store manager. Less stress. Less responsibility. BUT less money. But it may be worth it....

Then again, it could be my hormones talking.

Josh gave me my HCG shot last night. He had no problem what-so-ever doing it too. I think he actually enjoyed it... Did I mention I was at my store all evening? Yeah, so since it's against company policy to have a non-employee in the store after hours (much less a friend/relative/spouse) we had to meet somewhere. So where do you meet to get a shot at 9pm? A bar? not that kind of shot.

We met up by my car in the 8-story-downtown-Portland-parking garage.

Yes, that's right. My husband shot me in the a$$ in a parking garage. No, nobody was there.

And I don't think I am the first person to inject something in that parking garage. I mean, it IS downtown Portland...

ER scheduled for 8am tomorrow morning, I have to be there at 7:15. Wish me luck ;)

Trigger happy...

So I am ready to trigger. I can't believe I am already up to this point!! I have had 5 or 6 dr visits in the last week, and today I have follies that measure 16mm-21mm. So Josh gets to trigger me at 9pm tonight. Oh yeah, I also have to work tonight rearranging the store, so Josh gets to come to my work to do it. We don't really have a choice though, I can't do it myself (I don't think anyway, I am gonna google it..) and I don't have anyone there who could do it for me. Plus that would be weird....

Dr says he will most likely have 21-23 eggs to retreive, I am hoping there will be at least 10 mature. ER will be bright and early Tuesday morning! We have to be there by 7:15am, retreival is at 8, I will be able to go home by around 9:30. I think Josh will only take a half day since I will be on bedrest and sleeping most of the day anyway. I also have Wednesday off to rest as well.

My boss was at my store yesterday and although I didn't tell her exactly what was going on, I did tell her I had to be out Tuesday for a "procedure". she had mentioned she would be at my store Tuesday so I had to say something.

I have been pretty exhausted and emotional too. Yesterday Josh and I were talking about something lame and I for some reasons burst into tears. I was telling him I was sorry for crying, I felt so stupid about it, he just hugged me and said he understood. It was ridiculous...but these lovely hormones surging through me make me do strange things...

Ok back to watching The Cramps perform on an old episode of BH90210.. The Cramps? at the Peach Pit with Dylan, Brandon, Kelly, Steve, and Donna? REALLY?!

So far so good!

Estradiol is at 261, which is appropriate for this time into the process. I am still at 112.5 of gonal-f and one vial of menopur a day, plus 5 ml of lupron. I asked the nurse if there was anything to take the sting out of the menopur, she said to let the mixture sit for 10 minutes before injecting. I tell you, the menopur is my least favorite of the injections, but worth it in the end :)

Dr says the ER will probably be Monday or Tuesday of next week. I am praying for Tuesday, that way I can hide all of this from my boss. If it isn't then, I will have to tell her that I am having another "procedure". I hate those conversations.

And I was so right about Katie!!! Congratulations!! And a special congrats to Lauren!! There have been more BFPs in the last couple of weeks than I can ever recall!

My bruise is looking better, now more of an eggplant shade then black. Actually I think I have an eyeshadow this color...

Last night I was working late doing an update for my store and had to bring my meds with me. I decided to prep the syringe ahead of time and fill it with the 10mg of Lupron and just take that. I stuck it in a baggie with my dexamethesone and doxycycline (as well as an alcohol prep) and smuggled it in my sunglass case. There are 2 people who know what's going on, it's only on an as-needed basis. One is one of my assistants who asked for the weekend of my potential ET off. I had to tell her that it may not happen due to my deal. the second is one of my associates. We got to talking about TTC and I opened up to her on how difficult it has been for Josh and I. But they are the only ones who know...

I figured if someone knew I would have an ally (or 2) when the time comes. I would have my shifts at work covered with a knowing silent understanding of why.

I have my suppression check on Thursday, bright and early... this is the first time I am praying for low numbers!! if all is well I will begin Gonal-F Saturday. Eek, it's really happening, isn't it?!

I have the weekend off too, my first in a while. I am not sure what Josh and I are doing for the weekend, I want to go to the Farmer's Market, then maybe the beach or Seattle... just a bit of relaxing. But that may not happen due to the possibility of in-laws here.

I'm a little scared that this isn't going to work. I hear so many people say the first IVF is almost like a practice run. Any success stories on IVF #1 working that anyone can share to make my nerves a bit calmer??

One down...

So the above mentioned pharmacy made good on some of the meds. Mister FedEx woke me up at 10am (hey, I worked late the night before) yesterday. I got PIO, baby asprin, prenatals, and a few other medications, basically everything but gonal-f, novarel, and lupron. So fine. You aren't as sucky as I thought. I was just in a mood. Boo.

The new pharmacy hadn't called me so I called them this morning to set it all up. Good news? They can deliver next Wednesday and don't need a signature in case mister fed ex gets to my door after I leave for work. He will leave it on my doorstep, which is pretty well hidden so yay for me :) the bad news? If they eff it up I may be screwed because they are closed Friday thru Monday for 4th of July. 4 days?? Really? That last time I got 4 days off was due to being cut open abdominally. So the employees there have a pretty good racket.

My company on the other hand screwed up my bonus check and only gave me half of what I was supposed to get. So we will see how long it takes to clear it up. I will just sit here and revel in the fact that my store was # 1 in the company for April, May, and most likely June. That and a dollar will get me a cup of coffee at starbucks. Oh wait, no it won't....

First day and trains

I had my first day at my new store yesterday and let me tell you, we rocked it. We had a better selling day than they've seen in months. Yay me :)

I'm on the train coming home (I decided to forego the city traffic. Quite nice!) and there's this lady talking to some guy about how Portland is unlike any other city because you can be whatever you want, do whatever you want, and dress however you want and no one bats an eye. Excuse me lady, have you ever been to San francisco, L.A., New York, or any other major city? I don't see a difference except for weather.

I called my insurance today to see if my meds were covered... Yep, it's included in the $10K max that I can spend on treatment :)

SUCCESS!

I also need a Pap and breast exam for my treatment and set my appointment up for next Wednesday. Which happens to also be my day off, PLUS Farmer's Market will be open that day. Yeah, totally unrelated, but I have been waiting for them to open during the week - they are only open Saturdays and I work so I can never go... until now :) So it's exciting to me.

I start at my new store Sunday. I am really nervous. It'll be ok, but it's like being the new kid at school, even though I'm the boss.

So it will be good......*deep breath*.....

Going downtown....

So I was asked (told) to take over a store in downtown Portland.. It's a good thing because:

• I get to go into a boutique-ey retail store. High end. Fancy schmancy. NOT factory/outlet.
• I get to really work with the clients instead of selling last year's$9 tee shirts to 14 year olds.
• I can take the MAX train to work. Nice!!
• Much closer to my Dr's office

THE Cons:

• I got comfortable at my store.
• I will have a whole new staff. So new challenges.
• I have been bonusing every month. It's difficult to do that at retail stores.
• I am gonna miss my staff. Especially a couple of my managers. I can count on them for everything...

So it's a good thing overall. The manager there is taking my store. So it's a lateral move so no more $$$ She feel the same way. Happy for a change, happy for a job, but a little bit weirded out by it. The change is effective in a week....

On to IVF news. Well, no real news other than I go to my second class on Tuesday and I have a post-op visit Wednesday morning. I will find out then what day I start my suppression.

I am now comtemplating going to the beach today. It's a cold, blustery, rainy day, which Josh and I love.... one problem? Dogs have ear infections from the heat wave last week and ocean water will only make them worse... but they do have drops so I think we will risk it.... I can't miss an opportunity to relax and look at the ocean....

I am posting from my iphone. Cool :)

Moving on... I had a bad day at work today. Being memorial day weekend it's one of the busiest of the year. Which is ok. That is, if your staff showed up on time. So my day didn't start out as planned due to this.

And I don't understand why people feel like they can be dowright mean to sales associates. I got yelled at for something a customer misunderstood. She thought we refused to ring her daughter up when in fact the daughter wasn't ready. She insisted we were wrong. Ugh whatever. And little teenage rich girls just love treating us like we are beneath them.

On the up side on the way home from work I daydreamed about taking my someday kid to the zoo and a picnic in the park thanks to a radio show I listened to called Greasy Kid Stuff (google it!). It was kid songs that were all punk and alternative. My favorite was "who put the duh in dinosaur, must have been the dumb brontosaurus". I think it was by Snow Patrol but I'm not sure. I just happened on the show because my radio dial was on 94.7 Alternative Portland. I love that station. I think you can stream it if interested.

Also my tattoo is looking good, almost healed :) for those of you who have a tattoo know that it goes through a gross ugly stage which I won't get into. It's looking prettier now.

I also have my ivf class on tuesday yay!!! I am excited but my husband is in for a nice shock I think. Especially when it comes to him injecting the meds for me.

Oh and to those who have asked, I will post pics of the new finger puppets when I finish :)

When will it all end?

As you know, I am currently in the Seattle area sans hubby. We were talking about our plan to get tattoos today. Well, I was supposed to meet with the artist this evening but it took me nearly 3 hours to get home due to traffic and torrential downpour, so I missed the appointment.

I don't know why I have such a guilty strain in my DNA but I do. I was supposed to go with my SIL, but I actually felt guilty that I got stuck on the freeway. Like it was my fault. And that's where it started.

I cannot meet with the artist, and SIL doesn't know what to tell this guy about what I want. Ok, I get that. So I told DH that maybe I just won't get it and he can get his. Then I started talking financials, it got me thinking about the $3K I need to give my RE in a month and before I knew it the tears were pouring.

I never never talk about the IVF thing out loud except to my DH, and even that is not as often as it should be. I babble on and on here because I find it easy to write about but nearly impossible to talk about. I also know most of you who read this understand to an extent what I am going through. But not one person I know IRL has ever gone to the magnitude that I have. I know no one in my personal life who has had to stick needles in themselves in a futile attempt to get pregnant. No one I know has had a major surgery just to up the chances of conceiving by miniscule percentages.

Sure I know MANY who have had problems conceiving. But each of these people I know were able to and have one beautiful child or more. It was a hard process for them, I am absolutely not downplaying the heartache that they have encountered, believe me, I have been there. My problem is I am still there and I feel like I am in a deep hole and unable to get out. There is a pinpoint of light, but I have no idea how to get to it. I have tried to claw my way up and the only thing I have to show for it are bruises.

I am so sorry if I have offended anyone with this post. It was absolutely not my intention.

I think I am just tired of dealing with this. I am tired of the stupid things people say to either downplay the whole ordeal or try to understand how I feel. I feel like I have been through a war so far. I don't need the sympathy, I need this to be over once and for all. And I am tired of people not appreciating what they have.

And I don't know how the subject of a tattoo ended with a breakdown. This whole fertility thing is my life, Everything I do and everything I feel is interwoven with threads of being denied my divine right as a woman. So no matter what I do or say or think, it will always have a note of infertility.

Everything reminds me of the fact I am infertile. And that sucks...

My dog won't let me sleep...

Lucy (yellow lab) had some issues last night (salt water related). She has a sensitive stomach and can go into these weird gagging fits. It's rare, but when it happens, watch out. She woke me up at around 3am with a terrible noise after I had been asleep for merely 2 hours. She was shaky and having violent hiccups (which sounds weird I know) and the only thing that calmed her down was jumping up into my bed and snuggling right next to me. Once she did that she was happy and asleep.

Too bad I wasn't.

I didn't go back to sleep, not the true deep sleep that makes you feel refreshed and alive when you get up. ohhh no. I got the "close-your-eyes-and-pretend-you-are-sleeping-in-hopes-you-trick-yourself-into-really-going-to-sleep" sleep. Never works. As I am blogging my DH is blissfully snoring (loudly) next to me. *sigh*

And before you say "take her to the vet PRONTO" I've done that. She has absolutely nothing wrong with her, she just apparently has a sensitive tummy and reacts by gagging. Nice, huh? She's also allergic to wheat, corn, chicken, beef, and just about everything else you can think of. Oh, and pollen. So this time of year is awesome for her....

Oh, and so is Molly (black lab). Plus she's got a salt-water-ear-infection....

My poor doggies...

I did have my 2nd day back at work today. That's another story altogether.

On a positive note, AF arrived Sunday so I am officially in my "worth a shot" cycle. I wanted to start temping but see above. Hopefully I will get my sleep tonight to get an accurate read tomorrow morning.

And another YAY - a dear friend gave me some pointers on selling my finger puppets and other wares. Today, etsy. Tomorrow, THE WORLD :)

16 days... well 15 1/2 days...

... til I get cut open abdominally. Ugh, just when I am all cool with it I think of the what-ifs, such as

• "what if there's a major complication and they just take my uterus out completely?"
• "what if I get a bad infection?"
• "what if they leave something in my body that shouldn't be there?"

Obviously there are other what-ifs I am not touching on... My blood counts are good so I am low risk for a transfusion, and my sister in law surgical tech told me to tell them to "make sure you get the maliables out", apparently those are the things that hold it all open while the surgeon does his job... sorry, too much information?

So right now I am thinking of the corporate visit I am getting at my store on Thursday that I will never be ready for... and I have a whole big shopping list of things I need to get prior to going to the hospital, so that's fun (not)....

Ok, time for chocolate....

Why the hell did I do that?!?!

SO I did something really stupid. I googled "abdominal myomectomy". I now know what the surgery will look like (vividly), what I will probably need to do pre-op, and all of the little post-op deals I have to look forward to.

Let me tell you, it ain't pretty:

• I have never had an IV. I have never been put under nor have I been jabbed with a knife or laser or whatever they are going to use.
• My assistant at work and I were supposed to go to a dinner function on March 10 and my surgery is March 11th. She said "oh, goodie, you can still go to the dinner!" I didn't want to tell her I couldn't because I would have to do such things as not eat and, ahem, clear my bowels with medicinal assistance. There's no way in hell I'm gonna go to a banquet with a bunch of strangers and have to deal with that. Plus I want to be with my husband.
• I figured out that 31mm (the size of my fibroid) as roughly the size of a 15 week old fetus. Holy SHIT! That's why I haven't been able to fit into my Michael Kors trousers in the last couple of months...
• I have to have a catheter. A catheter? umm, no thanks.
• Showering will be a challenge afterward. And my usual hour long super hot baths will be non-existent until my incision is healed. Cool.
• So many other things I get to deal with: insane cramps, immobility, anesthesia, worrying my husband and my family, etc etc. I haven't even scratched the surface.

I have to look at the greater good here though.

• After the swelling goes down my tummy will be flatter. So hello Michael Kors and pencil skirts, goodbye Spanx**!
• My family members offering to come out to take care of me. I miss them so much...

** Who am I kidding? I will never give you up my dear spanx!

Bomb blast in Woodburn...

Yesterday I left my house to buy my husband's guitar he wants and to stop by Sephora and the bank to make a quick deposit before work at 5pm. I made it to all places but the bank, I got stuck in traffic on the way to work so no time, so I went straight to work at 5pm. At 5:30 a concerned parent of an employee called to tell us that a bomb went off in a nearby bank and they don't know anything else... We all thought it was Wells Fargo, which is the bank we go to for work. Turns out the bomb went off at the bank I go to, West Coast Bank, the branch I opened my account at, the same one I was going to go to before work but didn't have time.

It killed one Police Officer and injured several others.... News story here...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATE...
The bomb specialist who was brought in died this morning. Woodburn Chief of Police is in critical condition... No word on who did it and why....

I'm still here...

So after getting through the move to our new place I am back :-) Here's a quick update:

I STILL heart my job :-)

My cycle went all wonky this time so I don't know where I am in it... I am going to resume temping to get back on track.

AND GOOD NEWS

I spoke with my insurance company and the IVF treatment I am going to start (in a month!!!) is covered!!!!!!!

Feeling Good!!

After all of the rants I have had recently, I decided to post nothing but RAVES:

• An END with my Wamu bank relationship (It's not you, it's me!) and the beginning of a beaufitul new relationship with a new smaller bank.
• A PLAN at said bank to get money situation all in order... which means no more starbucks for me, but eh, whateve, I can live with that!
• My new doctor is actually quite fabulous. He has an excellent patient manner, very caring, and we also have devised a plan for me and DH! WooHOO! this means one more round of injections (16% live birth rate) to IVF in September (a whopping 68% live birth rate!). Plus my embryos can be frozen in case it doesn't work and for more kids down the line :-)
• My store.... I am getting rave reviews of it from clients and other managers, PLUS I am killing my sales plan... HeLLO BONUS (which will go straight into my savings, of course!)

So I have a lot to be happy about, huh?

Rants and Raves...

Rants:

• In-laws were here and did nothing but complain the whole time. Such as when asked "how did you sleep?" replied with "terrible, it would have been better with a pillow and blanket, or at least a sheet on the blow-up bed we brought"... Ummmmm, you could have asked, we assumed you had your crap together.
• Having to hide my lovely bird tattoo from said in-laws as to not spark another conversation about it being "unclassy".
• Getting a letter from my landlord saying they were selling the house and if we would like to buy they would "work" with us. By work they mean attempt to list the house at $25K over the current market rate and "working" with us by knocking off 5 grand... So now there's the absolute certainty that moving will be in my near future as our lease is up in September. I wanted to sign another 6 months, but guess not.
• Spending nearly $10 a day driving to and from work. So I guess no more Starbucks for me!

Ok, raves:

• I am actually working now. Happy about that.... but although I get a killer discount on the clothes I still can't afford them.
• Going to the Happy Monkey Coffee Shop today! I loved it, lots of unclassy people there now. I felt like I belonged. And the prices are fabulous, so I can sorta afford it. And they had free BBQ today... yummmmm
• Molly (aka Jelly Moons) my dog actually let me trim her nails today. That's a feat (or "feet" if you want me to be funny)...

So I am feeling a little bad because it took mere seconds to write the rants and I really had to think of the raves... I mean, trimming my dog's nails?!