Thoughts in the TWW

So I don't think I will get another report until I go in Sunday morning. I am praying for my 17 babies, that each one will grow healthy and strong and my Dr will have a hard time deciding which 2 to put back... My sister made me laugh when she said "well I hope they put back Daphne and Dexter, that would suck if they put back a couple that you don't know!" I am also planning on testing before my blood test, just because I want to have an idea of whats going on, especially since I will be at work that day.

AND I still have Chele's Lucky HPT. 2 of the 3 she has given the HPT's to have gotten a BFP :) So I'd say they are lucky...

I was at the grocery store today buying organic veggies (since it's WAY too hot to go to the Farmer's Market) and thought about something. I had heard 1 in 4 women suffer from infertility at some point in their lives. and just over 10% have serious issues that require more than a minor change, such as PCOS, Male Factor, Endo, or just unexplained. I wondered how many of the women I saw today had suffered or are currently struggling with it. I began seeing it all from a different perspective. I must have come across 100 women today during my errands. Of those women, 25 have felt the way I have felt. They have cried when only one line has shown up, they have blamed themselves, or wondered "why me?". They have had the BFP only to have it taken away again. 10 of those have yet to overcome it, or possibly never will. I wonder how many have given up?

I would say maybe one. If that.

We TTCers are a strong group. We have had tears, heartache, pain, confusion. But we always keep going back for more. Why?

Because of hope. And maybe some stubborness.

But mostly hope.

Show and Tell :)

Thanks to the Stirrup Queen for giving us all a little piece of our childhood back :) More show and tell HERE...

When I was little, my family and I used to go to my grandma's house in Placentia, CA all of the time. We always had fun there. Here's us... I'm the one sitting cross-legged and looking up at something ..circa 1980ish..

Anyway, there are plenty of fond memories here. One of my favorite being the spice tin that contained "love". Grandma would always open the tin and "sprinkle" love into the dinner she was making us. One day we decided to see what was in the tin. We opened it up and found it was empty. My brother and I figured that Grandma used up all of the "love". We along with my sisters got bright red construction paper and cut out little tiny hearts to fill the tin back up with love. That evening Grandma was making dinner and when she went to sprinkle the love into her palm to put it in the food, she got a surprise with all of the little red hearts that spilled out into her hand.

She kept that tin filled with our little construction paper hearts on her oven ledge for years, until she became ill with Alzheimer's and had to move out of her home. I am not sure where it is now, but I know one of us kids or mom has it. Grandma passed away nearly 4 years ago and I miss her every single day.

Today I knew she was with me. I went to a local thrift store after work on a whim and found this.

It's now sitting on my oven ledge where it will remain until I give it to one of my grandchildren someday. Maybe it will be filled with little tiny red hearts, maybe not. But it will always be a constant reminder of my beautiful Grandma and the love she put into everything she did.

Day 7 or "I want to be back to normal now"...

Today I woke up and had a terrible pain in my tummy, just to the left of my incision. The skin is completely numb, it pain was really deep, kind of like a hard pinch or stab. I had an appointment with my Dr today so he checked it to make sure it wasn't a tear, thankfully it wasn't. He prescribed me more painkillers (THANK YOU!) and sent me on my way. I will go back to see him in June unless I have more discomfort....

Josh took my sister and nephew to the airport this morning :-( I miss them already.. Mom left on Sunday :-( and Josh goes back to work tomorrow... My house is messy and I can't clean it... I think I am going to go back to bed now*....

*sorry, I have been really emotional lately, as I said in the last post. maybe I should put up streamers for my Pity Party here... on second thought that would take a small amount of effort...

Day 3, and PIC warning

First off, there are some pics of me in a not-so pretty-state (no makeup!) AND a couple of photos of my incision. So you have been warned...

I am sitting here with a heating pad on my tummy and some hydromorphone in my system, feeling mellow... So I am feeling well enough to let you all know about my experience so far... Let's start from the beginning...

I didn't need to take anything or do anything other than not eat past midnight on Tuesday. No diuretics yay! Wednesday I woke up, took a shower, and packed my small bag. We got to the hospital where I signed my admittance papers and gave $100 copay. Then I waited for about 15 minutes to go into pre-op. I got my ID bracelet on too.

When we got there I was asked to change into a hospital gown and waited for the nurse. She then came in and gave me my IV, which kind of hurt.

Then my anesthesiologist Dr. Ford came in and explained what he was going to do, which was give me a relaxer, then wheel me in and get the tubes in my throat and put my catheter in. Then Dr. Bankowski came in and said there was a little bit of a wait but I would get into surgery soon enough. Josh and mom were with me the whole time and keeping me at ease.

They had me use an antiseptic wash on my incision area and my, ahem, area. Washing my groin in front of my mom.. good times, good times...

At around 2pm Dr. Ford came back in and gave me a shot through my IV. He said "this will make you feel..." and that was it. I was gone. Josh and mom said I asked them to take pictures for my blog, which I don't remember. The next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery, thinking I had to get up to go to work. I had an oxygen tube in my nose and a bandage on my tummy. I had no nausea at all, but I did get the shivers. My throat hurt from the breathing tube. My catheter was out so I didn't have to deal with that at all. I felt like I had bad cramps for a better part of the day too. I also cried just a little but I didn't feel sad. I guess it was part of the anesthesia side effects.

Then they wheeled me into my room (private room!) and I wondered where Josh and mom were. I was feeling quite woozy. But happy it was done.

Then mom and Josh came in and told me that everything went very well. My fibroid was about 1/3 the size of my uterus. they only found the one and I only lost 20cc's of blood. Dr. Bankowski didn't have to cut through my endometrium, just the top 2 layers of my uterus. I had a morphine drip and was alert but a little loopy. Oh, and I got flowers.

And my new best friend - the water bottle.

Then I slept. A lot. Except for when the nurse would come in to wake me up to take my vitals and give me drugs every 4 hours. I was also insanely hungry when I was awake but the nurse wouldn't let me have anything except jello. Josh snuck starburst in for me and rationed it out every so often.. I got up to use the bathroom for the first time after the surgery. It hurt, but not as bad as I thought it would. I think a lot of that had to do with the Morphine and the anesthesia still in my system.

The next day I was feeling better. My Dr. came in around 7:30 and said the same thing my mom and Josh said - all went well, I'm doing great, etc. I got my IV out but the tube stayed in. The best part was being able to eat! This may as well have been a 5 star meal to me:

I did try to walk a little too. I started feeling very light-headed and went back to my room. My nurse said that was very common. I mostly ate and slept until I was able to go home Friday morning.

I also got my bandage taken off...

Thursday evening and Friday were definitely the worst days of this whole ordeal so far, but still not as bad as I was anticipating. Now all I need to do is relax and get well.. I don't know if it's the Motrin and painkiller cocktail I take every 6 hours, but I have been exhausted since the day of the surgery...

Why the hell did I do that?!?!

SO I did something really stupid. I googled "abdominal myomectomy". I now know what the surgery will look like (vividly), what I will probably need to do pre-op, and all of the little post-op deals I have to look forward to.

Let me tell you, it ain't pretty:

• I have never had an IV. I have never been put under nor have I been jabbed with a knife or laser or whatever they are going to use.
• My assistant at work and I were supposed to go to a dinner function on March 10 and my surgery is March 11th. She said "oh, goodie, you can still go to the dinner!" I didn't want to tell her I couldn't because I would have to do such things as not eat and, ahem, clear my bowels with medicinal assistance. There's no way in hell I'm gonna go to a banquet with a bunch of strangers and have to deal with that. Plus I want to be with my husband.
• I figured out that 31mm (the size of my fibroid) as roughly the size of a 15 week old fetus. Holy SHIT! That's why I haven't been able to fit into my Michael Kors trousers in the last couple of months...
• I have to have a catheter. A catheter? umm, no thanks.
• Showering will be a challenge afterward. And my usual hour long super hot baths will be non-existent until my incision is healed. Cool.
• So many other things I get to deal with: insane cramps, immobility, anesthesia, worrying my husband and my family, etc etc. I haven't even scratched the surface.

I have to look at the greater good here though.

• After the swelling goes down my tummy will be flatter. So hello Michael Kors and pencil skirts, goodbye Spanx**!
• My family members offering to come out to take care of me. I miss them so much...

** Who am I kidding? I will never give you up my dear spanx!

Update...

I wanted to tell my mom and get it all scheduled and really just get over it before I blogged about it, but here's the deal.. I went to the Dr yesterday (as you may well know by now). I have a fibroid (which I knew) but it's gotten bigger (which was news to me). It was once the size of a grape, but now it's the size of a small orange and in a place where I have no choice but to get it removed via abdominal myomectomy. Which means being in surgery, staying in the hospital for a couple of days, and no going to work for 6 weeks. It's been scheduled for March 11.. I expect flowers. Lots and lots of flowers.

Wonderful weekend....

My sister, bro-in-law, and beautiful, perfect nephew Hunter were here over the weekend... It was so nice to see them :-) They all look great and we had a fabulous time. Some highlights:

- Went hiking in the Columbia River Gorge, specifically Horsetail and Pony Falls. the trail goes behind the waterfall, how cool is that?- Got *lost* trying to find Lucky Labrador Brewery in Portland, said screw it and went to Rock Bottom, still very good...
- Hunter spent most of the time in a fuzzy snake costume I found at a yard sale a few years back. He wouldn't even take it off for the trip back down to California

***I would totally have pics to share had my dear sweet husband not erased them. The pic above is, ahem, borrowed from the internet...***

It was awesome... It made me wish I had family closer, the closest is my sister-in-law 3 1/2 hours away... Next closest is my sis Shelby 600 miles away... sad....

Rants and Raves...

Rants:

• In-laws were here and did nothing but complain the whole time. Such as when asked "how did you sleep?" replied with "terrible, it would have been better with a pillow and blanket, or at least a sheet on the blow-up bed we brought"... Ummmmm, you could have asked, we assumed you had your crap together.
• Having to hide my lovely bird tattoo from said in-laws as to not spark another conversation about it being "unclassy".
• Getting a letter from my landlord saying they were selling the house and if we would like to buy they would "work" with us. By work they mean attempt to list the house at $25K over the current market rate and "working" with us by knocking off 5 grand... So now there's the absolute certainty that moving will be in my near future as our lease is up in September. I wanted to sign another 6 months, but guess not.
• Spending nearly $10 a day driving to and from work. So I guess no more Starbucks for me!

Ok, raves:

• I am actually working now. Happy about that.... but although I get a killer discount on the clothes I still can't afford them.
• Going to the Happy Monkey Coffee Shop today! I loved it, lots of unclassy people there now. I felt like I belonged. And the prices are fabulous, so I can sorta afford it. And they had free BBQ today... yummmmm
• Molly (aka Jelly Moons) my dog actually let me trim her nails today. That's a feat (or "feet" if you want me to be funny)...

So I am feeling a little bad because it took mere seconds to write the rants and I really had to think of the raves... I mean, trimming my dog's nails?!