A little better...

I am feeling better, thanks in HUGE part to the comments you all have given me :) I didn't know this would be as hard as it is. I have done IUI 3x, I have been in the TWW countless times, but this is different.

This time I know for a fact I have embryos in me. Whether or not they have implanted I don't know. But I know that I have tried.

I haven't felt nearly the same discomfort I felt between the ER and the ET. I have been moody and a little depressed. I am trying to convince myself this has worked, but then I think it hasn't. Nothing else has worked, why should this?

But then I listen to people like R*, a coworker. I told her about what was going on and every time I say "I hope this works", she gets "mad" (not mad) and says "don't say that! Say that you know it worked and keep those positive thoughts! you have a baby or 2 in there, don't forget that".

Every once in a while I feel a little twinge in my uterus. not often, but I did feel it on the way home. Every time I feel it, I ask aloud, "is that you, little one?" Because if it is, I want him/her/them to know my voice and know that mommy loves them dearly and always will, no matter what.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

the rice cakes Updated

That's what Josh calls them... I hope they are getting all nestled in :) I get a report on the rest tomorrow... The one on the right is a slightly higher grade than the left, but both are excellent...

UPDATE

Got a call from the embryologist - 2 more made it to freeze! I asked her what grade they were and she said they don't freeze anything lower than a 1, which is perfect....

I can't wait til I am able to get out of bed.. my back is killing me. I am able to lie on my back, side, or stomach but I cannot have my head elevated higher than 2 pillows. I can elevate my legs which helps! All for my little rice cakes. I am already in-love :)

Strange or Normal? TMI edition

I am sure this is all about the drugs I am taking (estrace, baby asprin, doxycycline, medrol,prenatal, and PIO shots.... I think that's it), but I have the weirdest pains. My uterus feels full like I am going to have a doozy of an AF or like I have to pee. It is actually uncomfortable to walk around, even at work. Anyone else have this feeling? Last check on my lining was 11.5mm and I have been in triple pattern for a while now, so I would imagine I have a nice thick lining now since that was last Sunday. So that's it, right?

My boobs hurt too, I know that has everything to do with the PIO shots. Speaking of which...

I have had 2 shots so far. Josh is a pro at giving them to me and they don't hurt so far. But the whole idea that they are going to start hurting freaks me out a bit. josh makes sure I don't see the needle at all, he waits until my back is turned and my eyes are closed before he takes the cap off. So sweet :)

So my embies have been incubating for 3 days now. They should have 8 perfect cells and all snug in their petri dish beds, waiting for their home on Sunday. Tomorrow they should begin compacting and by Sunday morning be blastocysts.

Still babies to me...

The embryologist hasn't called me about them or how they are doing. I take it as "no news is good news".

I guess we will find out Sunday morning!

I will most likely not have an update until Tuesday. I will be on bedrest for 48 hours following the transfer and I don't think my notebook computer on my lap will be a good idea. Well, maybe a little update from my phone... But I will post pictures of the embies when I can. As Katie calls them "baby's first picture", which I love...

Thoughts in the TWW

So I don't think I will get another report until I go in Sunday morning. I am praying for my 17 babies, that each one will grow healthy and strong and my Dr will have a hard time deciding which 2 to put back... My sister made me laugh when she said "well I hope they put back Daphne and Dexter, that would suck if they put back a couple that you don't know!" I am also planning on testing before my blood test, just because I want to have an idea of whats going on, especially since I will be at work that day.

AND I still have Chele's Lucky HPT. 2 of the 3 she has given the HPT's to have gotten a BFP :) So I'd say they are lucky...

I was at the grocery store today buying organic veggies (since it's WAY too hot to go to the Farmer's Market) and thought about something. I had heard 1 in 4 women suffer from infertility at some point in their lives. and just over 10% have serious issues that require more than a minor change, such as PCOS, Male Factor, Endo, or just unexplained. I wondered how many of the women I saw today had suffered or are currently struggling with it. I began seeing it all from a different perspective. I must have come across 100 women today during my errands. Of those women, 25 have felt the way I have felt. They have cried when only one line has shown up, they have blamed themselves, or wondered "why me?". They have had the BFP only to have it taken away again. 10 of those have yet to overcome it, or possibly never will. I wonder how many have given up?

I would say maybe one. If that.

We TTCers are a strong group. We have had tears, heartache, pain, confusion. But we always keep going back for more. Why?

Because of hope. And maybe some stubborness.

But mostly hope.