Feeling better

I am feeling so much better than earlier. Josh is insanely supportive and I know we are in this together. He makes me feel safe. He will of course never leave me, he is my rock.

We were at the grocery store today and there was a guy with an adorable toddler on his shoulders. I turned to Josh and said "how are you going to put 2 kids on your shoulders?" he said "you'll have one silly". It made me think about life with 2 and how amazing it will be. I can't wait to be a mom, and I can't wait to be able to see my husband with his children. He's gonna be a great dad.

Ugh hormones....

I had my first "real" emotional meltdown today. It all started when Josh and I were finishing up the last of moving out of our place into our new pad. I wasn't doing anything strenuous, just packing up a box when all of the sudden neausea set in. I went into the bathroom immediately because I knew I was going to be sick. When I was done, I went and sat down and started crying uncontrollably. So many thoughts were going through my head...

- I felt terrible that I wasn't that much help and poor Josh had to so most of the work.
- what if I hurt the babies while working in the move?
- what if I am a bad mom who can't provide for her children?
- what if this whole twin thing puts a wedge in my relationship with my husband?
- what if he can't take it and leaves me? What if he decides he doesn't want kids?
- oh my god we are having twins....

Of course these thoughts are entirely irrational and it's just the hormones and the stress of moving that caused my little episode. I know that. But remember from a previous post, I am not being that rational at the moment.

I have another u/s on Sept 17. 2 1/2 long weeks until I see them again. Josh is taking the afternoon off to be there. He's just as invested in this as I am. We've been together for 15 years, we know eachother so well. We know exactly how each reacts to things. So why am I so scared?

Fucking hormones......

Bet you all want to know how my u/s went...

TWINS!!!!!

Baby A is measuring 6w2d and has a heartbeat of 115, baby B is measuring 6w1d with a heartbeat of 109. The dr says that anything over 100 is good... So yeah, TWINS! Josh is in complete shock (as am I) but we couldn't be happier. Yay!!!!!

Moving on....

An awkward photo of the living area.....

Well, just moving. Josh went to the landlord the day after we found out there will be 3 or more of us to inquire about a larger apartment. We went in this morning to check on it and lo and behold, the one we wanted is now available. It's a 2 bedroom loft apartment, which we are very excited about! So Thursday we get the keys and have until Sunday to move out of our current pad. Ahhh, more room! and a baby room! BTW baby has a walk in closet.... which will come in handy I am sure...


I hired movers, rented a truck (yes, it's in the same complex but the complex is HUGE), and requested a quote for move-out cleaning services. Because I will be damned if I am gonna lift a finger in this. Actually, Josh won't allow it. He won't even let me clean a teeny tiny spot on the carpet. Besides I am working Saturday and won't be able to do anything anyhow.... I spent about 20 minutes cleaning out my closet and then got tired/bored of it all...

On the baby front, I am feeling a little better. I wake up with morning sickness and once I eat I am ok. I am still tired all of the time. At work I can't ever stop yawning! My poochie tummy has gone down a little, my digestion has mellowed out, and I can sleep pretty well again. In fact, my naps are the best sleep I have had in ages. Before I got pregnant, it would take me over an hour to fall asleep, now I can doze off in a minute. Josh laughs because I always fall asleep with the remote in my hand. Once I even fell asleep while eating....

1st ultrasound is Friday morning..... please please please let it be a good one....

David and Goliath, or me and insurance

So I got insurance statements the others day. All I saw on the statements was DENIED. What?! I had called prior to ivf and they said I was covered up to 10k for fertility treatments. So I called to figure it all out....

Me: why was my claim denied?

Them: your lab wasn't a participant, and we are PPO.

Me: then why was I told otherwise when I called to determine coverage?

Them: I don't know, maybe they billed wrong.

Turns out my dr is a participant, but the lab that did all of the baby growing is not. Would have been nice to know, but at least I prepaid for everything in case this did happen. Now I owe another $1200 for the cryogenics, well, $700 because I just paid $500 to them.

It's all ok though, I have my bean and that's all that matters.

The horror film

My sister always said that after she became pg with her son there was always a "horror film going on in the back of her head". You know, the worst possible things happening? Yeah, I got that.

It all started yesterday. I had the day off. I spent the morning sleeping and the afternoon leisurely running light errands. I had a healthy breakfast, snacked on veggies, and made a positively scrumptious dinner. I napped, relaxed, shopped a bit, and rubbed my expanding belly. I felt good. It scared the hell out of me. I'm not supposed to feel good!!! I also (tmi) had some digestive changes which didn't help... Sorry...

Rational me would say I felt good because I wasn't working. I wasn't stressed out, I had good sleep, I was relaxed. Rational me would say the digestion changes were due to laying off the dairy a bit and keeping veggies in my diet. Rational me would say this. This is not rational me. This is now protector me.

I have no cause for alarm. I have no bleeding at all, nothing that would even remotely be a sign of something wrong. But I can't help it. I have wanted this for so long, I will be damned if it's taken away. I do shots and pills to sustain my pregnancy. I take every single necessary precaution to make sure my child(ren) are safe and sound.

But there's still that damn horror film. Someone asked me if I was feeling better after a bout of neausea the other day. I told her I won't feel better for another 18 years at least. And it's true!

Work, weekend, and stretchy pants

Today is my only day off this week. One of my managers has a dental issue to take care of, so she will be out for a few days. I don't envy her... Tomorrow my boss will be at my store. She will see how I have aready "popped" and have the shock of her life! I'm glad I told her, because at this point I would be hard-pressed to hide it. It's 95 degrees out, I can't exactly wear a bulky sweater, now can I? I am getting better and better with managing the exhaustion, although the weekends are still a struggle. Thank God for understanding coworkers and the water cooler...

My in-laws were here this weekend. We decided to tell them over breakfast on Saturday that we are "in the family way". They are excited, they both cried! But then it started, the every 2 minutes of "how are you feeling?" I know they mean well..

let me give you a little insight into myself...

I actually detest getting doted on. I hate it. Josh and I are both that way, the only constant attention we want is from eachother. I mean, I LOVE being cared about, don't get me wrong. But if I am "fine", I am fine. If I want to talk about something having to do with me, I will bring it up. I am pretty much to myself IRL. I don't know why I am that way, but it's just me.

Now this is NOT to say people cannot ask how I am feeling. That's fine. But every 5 minutes? and asking if I have "thrown up today yet?"... Or after I respond "I'm fine", saying something like "no you aren't"... arrghh. A little too much into my bodily functions, thank you very much...

I am practically living in my maternity pants for work. I bought one pair of stretchy pants thinking I can get away with it.. nope. I need to go shopping.... either that or start going to work in sweats, but I think designers frown upon that. Maybe I should go work for Jui.cy Cou.ture and wear velour sweatsuits all day :) But nobody wants to see that!

My new bod

So I know a lot of this has to do with all of the lovely things my digestion is doing (or not doing), but my body has already changed drastically! I decided last week to buy maternity pants and guess what I am wearing. Yep, already. Which is totally fine. I have always had a poochy belly so these are actually a relief. Super comfy :)

I've had insane m/s too. I even had to go home from work the other day because the only place that I feel comfy is my bed.... Ahhhh soft, comfy bed complete with a soft comfy body pillow I can wrap myself around.

Speaking of work, I don't know how I'm going to do this. I work in a fairly busy clothing store which I am the manager of. I sit down every 30 min due to exhaustion. I have mentioned stepping down, which looks more and more like a reality to me. My child(ren) and my health are more important than my boss telling me to rearrange the entire store. So I may just do it. I wish I were independently wealthy. Maybe I should play the lottery :)

Mind you I am not complaining one bit. I actually love it, I know that my little rice cakes are growing inside of me and I can't ask for anything more. Besides crystallized ginger. It's a god-send for neausea.

So far so good :)

568.2 :) according to my nurse that's good, they want to see it double every 72 hours, and it's been 48 hours :) next is my ultrasound scheduled August 28.... All I want to see is a flicker!!

The results are in!

245.6!!!

Can you believe how high that is!! I'm thinking twins....

I kept thinking the BFPs were going to magically sprout arms and legs and say "just kidding! You aren't really pregnant!" but the blood test officially confirms it!!!!

Next BW is Thursday :) :)

Quick Update..

So looking back on what I have been through, what so many of you have been through, I can't help to think about the courage we have to face our fear of not being able to have a child.

This has been a tremendous journey, filled with peaks, valleys, dry deserts, and lush fields. We are soldiers, no, warriors in the land of IF and I for one will never stop fighting. I will raise my sword to the big infertility monster and say NO MORE!

I feel like William Wallace from Braveheart - FREEDOM!!!!

Anyway, I am here to tell you I have wounded, maybe slain my IF monster.

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

Each of these tests were done in the evening, starting Friday! They have been progressively darker, the one from today is at the top. The test line is darker than the control line!

I feel like shit, I can't stand the one thing I love to eat (chocolate), and I feel like I just ate a HUGE meal all the time. But I don't care.

So worth it to see those lovely lines and to know IVF worked! Official blood test tomorrow, so I will post the results :)

I'm so excited I could pee! Not like I have already done it a thousand times today!

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support, I can't do it without you :) I am blessed!

Love to all,

Carol

.....but you can call me mommy

Check out a new site!

My good friend Brandie is amazing at finding FREE stuff on the web... So she now has a blog about it! If you like free you need to check it out - I just ordered the doggie sleeping bag and don't have to pay a cent for shipping :) It's pretty awesome that she puts it all in one spot for us bargain hunters :)

http://www.catchthefreebiejeebies.blogspot.com

A little better...

I am feeling better, thanks in HUGE part to the comments you all have given me :) I didn't know this would be as hard as it is. I have done IUI 3x, I have been in the TWW countless times, but this is different.

This time I know for a fact I have embryos in me. Whether or not they have implanted I don't know. But I know that I have tried.

I haven't felt nearly the same discomfort I felt between the ER and the ET. I have been moody and a little depressed. I am trying to convince myself this has worked, but then I think it hasn't. Nothing else has worked, why should this?

But then I listen to people like R*, a coworker. I told her about what was going on and every time I say "I hope this works", she gets "mad" (not mad) and says "don't say that! Say that you know it worked and keep those positive thoughts! you have a baby or 2 in there, don't forget that".

Every once in a while I feel a little twinge in my uterus. not often, but I did feel it on the way home. Every time I feel it, I ask aloud, "is that you, little one?" Because if it is, I want him/her/them to know my voice and know that mommy loves them dearly and always will, no matter what.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Overwhelmed

I don't know if it's the drugs, the bedrest, or what but I am feeling completely overwhelmed right now. I don't think I want to talk about this whole experience until there is something to talk about.

I've updated all I know, and I know I won't have anything else until next week. I don't want to over-analyze symptoms, talk about how I'm feeling, etc because frankly I will drive myself nuts. Also my feelings physical and emotional change at the drop of a hat, so I don't know how much real truth there is in "how I feel". Just know I'm excited, scared, happy, depressed, in pain, feel just fine... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel so I will just feel it all. Or nothing. Or some. I don't know.

I just want to believe this has worked and let it be.

the rice cakes Updated

That's what Josh calls them... I hope they are getting all nestled in :) I get a report on the rest tomorrow... The one on the right is a slightly higher grade than the left, but both are excellent...

UPDATE

Got a call from the embryologist - 2 more made it to freeze! I asked her what grade they were and she said they don't freeze anything lower than a 1, which is perfect....

I can't wait til I am able to get out of bed.. my back is killing me. I am able to lie on my back, side, or stomach but I cannot have my head elevated higher than 2 pillows. I can elevate my legs which helps! All for my little rice cakes. I am already in-love :)

All done

2 beautiful blasts. 5 more might make it to freeze. I'm on Valium so I'm going back to sleep. Photos later :)