Tuesday, May 4, 2010

So that's it then?

So something that has been on my mind since Dylan and Riley came into this world.

Do I want one more?

You all are probably thinking I am crazy in wondering, especially since these two just got here almost 4 weeks ago. I am enjoying my life in a family of four so much, but this last month has gone by in a blink. And I got to thinking - they are no longer "newborns", they are now "infants". I will never hold my newborn baby again. I will never look into the eyes of my baby for the first time ever again. I would love to get another shot at nursing and be successful at it. (pumping is going well but I am still supplementing)..

I will never experience pregnancy again...

Now, as you may know, I had a difficult and painful pregnancy. I had constant backaches, horrible sciatic pain, and other unpleasantness's including morning sickness, incompetent cervix, gestational diabetes, hemorrhoids, skin tags, stretchmarks, bleeding gums, etc etc etc...

However...

All of the nastiness that went along with it was shadowed by one thing.

Kicks. Movement. The fact of knowing that I was growing two lives. It was an incredible feeling.

So do I want to feel this again? You betcha I do. Do I want to go through what I went through all of those years?

No. No way. I don't want to chart and take pills and inject and be disappointed month after month. I want it to happen like "normal" people. Have some lovin' and get pregnant the regular way. Although Josh and I have an incredible relationship and yes, these babies WERE conceived out of love, they weren't conceived out of intimacy.

Now I know that it will probably never happen that way. So I am not going to "try". I won't get my hopes up and think it will happen. Because it most likely won't just "happen". But wouldn't it be nice if it did?

I don't know if other IFers have felt the same way. I think for me it would mean that I was "normal". That would be a great feeling...

But I am so happy and grateful with what I have right now and I would never think it's not enough. Dylan, Riley, and Josh are my life, I am incredibly blessed to have what I have. I have more than a lot of people. My life is currently as perfect as it' ever been, and will only get better...

3 comments:

*Michelle* said...

Aw... I remember feeling sad when my first baby was a week or so old because he was changing so fast & would never be a brand new baby again! It happens to all of us mamas. They are tiny babies for such a short, sweet time. You have many firsts & new adventures ahead of you that will be almost as sweet as those first few days of life-- those two are going to keep you busy, too! You may change your tune when you're chasing after two 18 mos olds! LOL. Welcome to the bittersweet journey of motherhood. It never ends.

Lauren said...

I could have written this post myself (minus the "twin" part of it). When Noah was 5 weeks old I realized that if I could choose to be pregnant again RIGHT NOW, I would (even though I had a difficult pregnancy). And I wish so badly it could happen like normal people. I wish it didn't involve needles and ultrasounds and people besides my husband poking around in my vagina.

I miss my tiny scrawny newborn baby. I miss being pregnant. I miss my OB. I miss LABOR for goodness sakes (I know, that's so ridiculous). I miss grabbing my baby and cuddling him on my chest right when he came out of me. I miss those first moments of nursing. I miss when his newborn clothes and diapers were too big on him.

I had the baby blues for the first week after he was born. I was really hormonal and stressed out, and I totally regret that I wasn't able to enjoy that first week to the full extent that I wanted to. And now when I do have another baby (hopefully), I'll have Noah that I have to take care of as well, so I'll never be able to just completely immerse myself in a newborn baby again.

Brandie said...

Aww, your post has me all teary eyed. You are such a wonderful person and Dylan and Riley are very blessed to have you as their mom!!