Monday, May 10, 2010

Pity? Party of one?

Yeah, that's me.. not having the greatest day today... Hormones? maybe.... Probably....

Let's start with self-image, shall we?

Two weeks post-partum I was able to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I had lost all of the baby weight and then some. Yay me. HOWEVER.

I have had no change since then. Ok, I have had no POSITIVE change since then...

My stomach....
I have this chunk of flab sitting on my lower belly. It just hangs there. I was taking a bath tonight (a long bubble bath that I deserved dammit - we will get to that), looked down at my belly, kinda pinched my skin and it's like jello. no, like pudding. Like runny pudding with skin. It jiggles and it's ugly and it has stretchmarks and I even still have my linea nigra. Isn't that supposed to go away? So without spanx I have a pocket of skin that just sits in my jeans. My skinny jeans don't look the same. When putting on spanx (or jeans or pants or whatever) I feel like I have to tuck the skin in. Maybe I will get brave a post a PP belly shot. Maybe not...

My b00bs....
They are ginormous. I mean HUGE... It's not like I was small before I got pregnant. I was a 36 DD. Now I am more like a 36 FF, but I don't dare go out and buy new bras because, well, I am in denial. They are engorged but I can't pump enough to keep up with my little ones. Dylan eats a minimum of 24 oz a day, Riley roughly the same. so 48oz a day minimum per day to sustain my children's lives without formula. How much am I pumping? 5-10oz a day. And thanks in advance for the suggestions, but i've tried. I've tried herbs, teas, pumping more frequently, using a super industrial pump, even Reglan. So I give them what I can and have to be ok with it. Considering the size of my chesticle you would think I can supply milk for the entire town. Nope. Apparently it's a cruel joke to the milk fairy. At least my large ladies make my waist appear smaller in comparison...

Mother's Day? I don't want to talk about it. We will leave it at that. And I will add he is NOT off the hook....

Last night I got the babies to sleep and wanted a soak in the tub. Josh said he wanted to take a quick shower. I knew that I missed my opportunity to get some time to myself - it was 11pm and the babies would be awake by midnight and Josh would be in bed asleep by then. Waaahh to me... By the way, that not why my Mothers Day sucked.

On a positive note, my babies are keeping me going. They are THIS CLOSE to giving me genuine smiles. When Riley briefly smiles in her sleep I get a glimpse of her little dimple on her left cheek. Dylan might have one on his right cheek, I can't tell yet. They are also sleeping decently. I changed Dylan's formula to Alim.entum from Simil@c and it seems to help. He still has bouts of colic but not nearly as bad as he was. Apparently it's supposed to peak soon and then calm back down. Which would be nice because this formula is twice the cost of regular stuff. Riley sleeps like a champ - a few hours at a time. The longest was 8 hours last week!

Then back to sad - they are growing so fast. Clothes they fit into 3 days ago no longer fit them. Sadness... I have one outfit that I really want to put on Riley - a cute little sundress. but by the time I am able to let her wear it (I live in Portland - rain..) I know it won't fit. Boo.

But then back to happy times when I look into their eyes and I know that they know I am their mommy. There's nothing like that in the world...

10 comments:

cat said...

lots of hormones raging through you right now sweetie...*hugs* your body will go back, it won't be the same but you won't mind it...:) all that extra skin and stuff will go down and the war wounds you do have will be badges of honor. it's hard to be patient, but your babies are just a month old, give yourself time my love.

the boobs..yes...some will tell you once you stop milk production they will actually get smaller...they lie. they won't be like they are now of course, but you and i have the boobs in the family and the most they'll do is go back to close to what they were. i know you are pumping as much as you possibly can. i'm sorry the babies are not nursing on you...that would help alot with it all. it's not that you can't produce enough, it's just that different hormones are produced when baby is suckling from you so it ups the production to adjust to their needs. pumping doesn't produce those same hormones for obvious reasons...but since your little angels decided they like the bottle better, you are struggling..:( i'm proud of you for doing what you can though...i know it's frustrating love but no one will ever say you didn't try...*hugs*

and yes sweetheart...they do grow so very fast. this stage just flies by so quickly. i'm so happy you can be home with them to enjoy it all. before you know it they will be running around, and then off to school...and then..*sniffle* getting married! yeah, that was a tough one!

i'm surprised about J being in trouble with mother's day..:( sorry love. this year was the first year i got anything from my darling hubby...and i've been a mom for 23 years! 7 of those years to his kids! J will make it up to you i'm sure...but don't let him off the hook. if anyone deserved an amazing mother's day, it is you!!!

i love you sis...it's okay to have a pity party...hormones are terrible things, couple that with sketchy sleep and you have the all the materials you need to fall apart sometimes. i'm here for you...xoxoxoxo

sweetpeanme said...

Wow...thank you for this post...definitely feels good to hear a fellow twin mommy tellin' it like it is...because it IS hard!!!

As for the belly jelly...YAH...it hangs over my undies...OVER THE UNDIES...what on earth is sexy about that??!!! NADA. And bathing suits...dont' want to think about it.

You are lucky your clothes fit...mine won't...not over my hips....not over my boobs...ugh. I went shopping yesterday for new clothes just so I could feel good about myself...wearing something that actually fit! (Not that the size made me feel good!)

I hope you get some beautiful sunshine over there so little Riley can wear her dress...

And I'm sorry about your mother's day...whatever happened...and hope that next years will be better!!!

Chele said...

Hugs, I'm sorry Mother's Day didn't go as well as you would have liked.

Honey, the self image is going to come and go from here on out. I think a lot of it has to do with trying to keep/be you as well as be mom.

I've had two c-sections and the abdominal surgery to remove my ruptured ectopic pregnancy. My stomach eventually firms back up but no matter what size I am or how hard I've worked out, I still have a little round belly. I've learned to live with it and look at is as a badge of honor.

Hang in there sweets.

Once Upon A Time said...

You are SO entitled to have a down day- this twins thing is HARD. That jiggly skin sucks, I know. I still can't bring myself to buy any new pants. At this point- I'm still in denial that this body is gonna stick around for awhile. Those real smiles are going to light up your world. You'll find yourself doing whatever you can to make them keep coming. :) (And yes, I did try singing Baby Got Back just like in the episode of Friends) I understand the boobs too- I was a DD before PG too, and the glimpse of what I had while I pumped scared the crap out of me. I'm still not back to a DD though. I think my bod thinks I should still be providing for my babies...

I hope today is better. :)

The Patterson's said...

Glad you were able to take a nice bubble bath! Go easy on yourself... I know how hard it is to not feel back to "normal", but I'm sure it will come. Right???

8 hours for sleep is awesome! Drake is still very sporadic on his nighttime sleep - longest has been 10.5 hours.

Deanna said...

Just stopping by from Multiples and More... Reading your last few posts takes me back to where I was this time last year. All I can say is hang in there! Life will get better and better as those babies get more able to interact with you (and as the hormones settle down!).

As for the belly, it will probably smooth out and tighten up somewhat. A year later, I still have light stretch marks and it's a little "looser" in that area, but I also haven't worked out or done anything to correct it. I'm actually in a smaller size than I was before my babies, but I find that I don't have any desire to wear really low-waisted stuff...I prefer a mid-rise cut to hold it all in! : )

Melissa Ann said...

BACK IN YOUR OWN PANTS?! WHAT?! NO FAIR. It took me until 7 months to get back into my old pants! You rock!

The little skin pudding pocket that you have is affectionately known as "Twin skin." Mine is still there and I still tuck it in my pants, but it is getting smaller. My linea nigra is also finally faded to the point of low visibility. My 34d's are now 32 gg... crazy.

Isn't it sad that the two most immediate parts of motherhood (our body changes and the difficulties of Breastfeeding) are kept secret by other ladies. It would be so much easier if someone just told us beforehand so that we'd know it was normal.

You're doing an amazing job pumping what you can, but if you're constantly engorged I promise there's more in there than you think. I might try seeing if the babies will latch after you've fed them just enough formula so that they're not angry hungry and see if they can figure out what to do. But let it be no pressure for any of you. I have a friend whose boys latched right on at 2 months out of nowhere and with no coaching.

If you can't nurse: it doesn't matter! You still sound like an amazing mother! Just hang on it gets so much easier once the smiling starts! And by 3-4 months you might come to the conclusion that you actually like those sweet little people :)

*Michelle* said...

Lots of great advice and words of wisdom here. Just wanted to add my hugs and support!

I still struggle with the "baby roll"-- two kids between 38 and 41 about ruined my waistline forever. Nothing will every quite fit the same, but it will go down a lot from what you're seeing one month out.

Yes, hormones are raging. Engorged is actually a good sign. If you feel like giving it a go, the babies might be able to get more milk directly from you than even that pump can.

I know it seems like they are growing up super fast, but you are really still in your baby moon, my dear. Nine months in, nine months on. You won't start feeling like "yourself" again any time soon.

You're doing great, though!

Brandie said...

I'm sorry Mother's Day didn't go well for you :( My hubby has never done anything for me on Mother's Day - nothing! I've even "reminded" him that I don't have to have a store bought card, maybe just let Noah color me a picture or remind Noah to at least tell me "Happy Mother's Day". Oh well. It hurts my feelings but guess what? I'm not doing a damn thing for him on Father's Day this year :)

As far as your self-image. I'm sure you look great!! I'm impressed that you fit into your skinny jeans after JUST having TWINS! Go mama!! lol, I'm sure I'll be venting on my blog MONTHS later about not fitting into my huskies. hahahaha.
I know it seems like the babies are growing fast, but they're still little people and I know you're enjoying them so much!! You'll start getting back into your routine and everything will go back in synch for you soon, I just know it. :)

Mama Mandolin said...

I know exactly how you feel! My boys are 10 weeks old now, except I haven't lost all of my pregnancy weight. I gained 50lbs and still have around 20 to lose...but probably will never be the same shape. I used to have a 36B chest and now am a 36D! And I'm not even breastfeeding. My belly is full of lots of floppy jiggly skin and fat probably and my thighs and ass can't even THINK about fitting into my old jeans.

But I'm determined to get back into them...some day LOL. However, when I'm feeling a little insecure, looking at my babies makes it all go away.